Archives For non-binary gender types

Trans Erasure

July 7, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening my bitches. I say good, but I’m not feeling it tonight (other than chillin with my fur babies as seen up top).

I’ve finally encountered a form of “trans erasure” and I’m between mad, upset, and hurt.

What is trans erasure? from it is “Noun. transerasure (uncountable) (LGBT) The tendency to ignore, deny, or minimize the existence of transsexual/transgender people or transsexualism/transgenderism”. In my case, the experience was somewhere between denying and minimizing me and my life.

It starts out with my best friend’s daughter getting married this Fall and a wedding shower at the end of the month. It also coincides with a trip I planned to see my kids and grandchildren.

Since I’m now out to my family my plan was to see visit them as D. But that created a dilemma for me. Because if I see my grandchildren as D (and they know me by that now) then would it confuse them more to see me as my male counterpart at the wedding later?

So I decided to visit them as D. Which means I should attend the shower as D as well so I’m consistent. And that’s when the erasure hit.

My friend emailed me this morning requesting I not show up as Denise because it might upset the groom-to-be’s conservative parents. It feels as if they think I can just switch it on and off and go back and forth between being Denise and my former male self. And THAT, my bitches, is erasure: it’s denying me.


Good evening my bitches! What a fun day it’s been! Another warm one here and I’m home now, relaxing as best I can and trying to cool down in some nice boy shorts and a cami and watching a beautiful sunset over the mountains. 20170612_203128

I can’t complain 🙂

That said, I made a bold fucking statement this afternoon and I’m feeling proud of myself. My company has a golf league and this was our second round and it was a tad toasty (my car was reading 93 degrees F when I finished).

And with it as warm as it is, I dressed as any fashionable gurl would in a bright, comfortable wick-away skort and polo. But, as hot and bright as it was I needed a cap or hat. I’ve been looking for weeks and I can’t find any that fit. Women’s caps won’t fit even without the wig, and men’s caps are too small with the wig on. Sigh….

But today, bitches, I said fuck it! I dropped my bag off at the clubhouse and met my co-worker/golf partner and we strapped out clubs on the back of the cart. He asked what I was going to do about my hair (it was also rather windy) and I told him of my cap dilemma. And that’s when I decided that comfort was more important than image.

We hopped in the cart and I drove back to my car. I took my wig off and donned one of my old running caps then we turned around and headed for the first tee-box. And guess what my bitches? First off, I didn’t really didn’t give a fuck. I’m me and I can present however the fuck I want. And maybe that positive attitude carried forward because know what else? I not only felt fantastic but I thought I even looked fantastic! It was me and I was enjoying life. So fuck off world! My overall gender presentation may be female or feminine, but I will wear whatever the fuck I want, even with my buzzed and greying man-hair underneath.

Ta ta my bitches, until next time…

Hi there my bitches. I hope everyone is doing well. Overall, I am too, but I AM one tired girl here. And I think my life is about to become a little more chaotic. From a practical standpoint it is looking like I will be expanding the circle and coming out to more people sooner rather than later thanks to social media.

It started about two weeks ago. Everything has been going well at work, and everyone all the way up to the CEO has been more than supportive. But one of the roles I carry out is that of hiring manager. And, as such, I work with many professional recruiters in my area.

First came the emails. Since the only thing that changed was my display name, recruiting companies can still reach me using my old email address (my male persona name begins with D as well). Therefore I ‘d get “Hello D—. I’m So-And-So with Company X and we’re looking at how we can help you in your staffing needs” or something along that line. Which, when I reply they get my new display name: Denise. To their credit, the recruiters have rolled with the change as smoothly as my company.

But then the phone calls started. Not just recruiters, but vendors that I work with. And, like my email, my phone number hasn’t changed either and I answer “Hello, this is Denise”. There’s usually a short pause followed by “Oh, I’m sorry, I was trying to reach D—“. I explain that they have the correct number and ask the nature of the call. In the end, I usually have them email me, and we repeat the steps above.

And where that grey area really starts to blend is social media. With new recruiters or vendors, their first action after initiating communication (and before emailing) is to add me on linked in. And my LinkedIn profile is still my male persona D—.

It really wouldn’t be difficult for me to update my LinkedIn profile. However, this is more of that grey area as between 10% and 20% of my LinkedIn contacts are also friends on Facebook. I could possibly change my LinkedIn profile without impacting other social media but I’m not highly optimistic that I wouldn’t be accidentally outed. So it seems that I’m going to have to make changes both places. And that means talking to my family in another state. While I’m not ashamed to be out, and I’m proud of who I am, talking to a few members of my family won’t be easy. And, similar to my work situation last March, I’d like to make it as seamless as possible and minimize “disruption” and the “shock and awe” phenomena.

I do have a private Facebook page for Denise, so one avenue would be to close down “D—‘s” page, and just add friends to my other page. Of course, that lends itself to others still finding out through “friends you may know”. I’m still pondering my options. But first, the chat with my mom, my kids, and a few close friends.

With me luck my bitches!


More Changes?

April 9, 2017 — Leave a comment

Hello my bitches, yes, it’s been a few days since my last post. I’ve finished my 3rd week full-time as Denise and I haven’t been happier. That said, now that I’m full-time, I’m wondering “Is there more”?

The feeling, or desire, for actual breasts is becoming incredibly strong. I love the shape and form the give me but I want to SEE them, not just flesh-colored foam peeking out from my bra or camisole. I want to FEEL them, and TOUCH them. I want to be able to sense them under whatever I’m wearing. I want them to have sensation, pleasurable, or otherwise. I want to wake up in the morning, and see them in the mirror and know that they are mine. Does that make sense my bitches?

But it goes even further. I’ve been feeling “weird” or different all weekend. A kind of waiting anticipation, a bit of anxiety (in a kind of good way), that my journey is really just beginning. And it’s translated itself into this almost a sexual tension culminating into today.

There’s been an intense, yet pleasurable, pressure (or tingling) between my legs since last night. I would say I’m horny but my (still) male genitalia doesn’t become erect in that sense. And the sensation is deeper, more visceral than what I’ve experienced in the past. And it’s spreading through me. I’m full of nervous energy, my head is spinning, and my skin prickling with excitement (or anticipation) but of what, I don’t know. It does feel good, but it’s becoming very confusing. What are these feelings and thoughts?

Have any of my bitches (particularly those that identify as trans) experienced anything like this?

Sigh my bitches. What an up and down week. First off, I’ve pretty much integrated Denise now as I just finished my second full week of work. That, in and of itself was not very exciting, just another very positive experience. Which means that will the week was mostly upbeat, as the week drew to a close it slowly progressed in a downward spiral of emotions, culminating in today’s events.

The digression actually started as the weather deteriorated. It’s been beautiful, warm and sunny since the first day of Spring but, since I live in the Rocky Mountain area of the US, that doesn’t carry much weight. And the week turned cold and damp. Which left me with the “what do I wear to work?”.  All but one outfit was purchased as Winter was drawing to a close so it’s mostly Spring/Summer wear: sleeveless, or short sleeve blouses, jeans, and skirts. I have 2 sweaters that fit and look decent on me but no other outer wear. And, my shoes are pumps and heels of some sort so nothing really for snowy/rainy weather.

I could have gone out to the shops and bought something more appropriate but unfortunately, I’m about to face a several thousand dollar tax bill. That left me in not a very good emotional state for new clothes: I want/need a few more outfits but really don’t need to be spending more money with this huge bill looming.

And that led to another spiral: I didn’t want to go to work and be freezing since I’ve not much warm to wear, and no coat. I probably could have gone to Target or another big box and purchased a hoodie just to have something warm between the car and the office, but since I’ve been in a “don’t spend, save up for taxes mode”, that really wasn’t appealing. In the end, I found an old Northface jacket that worked well enough with jeans and a 3/4 length sleeve blouse to get me through the last few days at work. I combined that with a low pair of heels and jeans to it didn’t look totally out-of-place.

Aside from that, I’ve been fighting my breast forms all week. For the most part, I like them and they give some depth and dimension to my outfits. However, they’re probably a bit too large. They kept sliding up through the tops of my bras and camisoles, and the edges would peek out of the tops of my blouses. And that made me feel like a fraud.

Aside from that, they don’t transfer sensation. So I can’t really tell when I’m touching them or my girlfriend did. And that makes me wish they were real. I want to be able to sense and feel them. I want them to be able to react to wind, cold, heat, and touch. So while I do appreciate the shape and look they give me, it’s just not enough. I don’t feel “complete”.

And that brings me to the final, big downer of the weekend. My girlfriend and I went out Saturday and I stayed over at her place. It was the first time I stayed over since I’ve transitioned to Denise. The evening went well up until bedtime. I got undressed and was in a pair of panties and a camisole with the forms underneath. As I got in bed she asked “are you going to sleep in that, with your forms in”? My response was yes, as that’s what I’ve been doing for over a week, and I had told her that’s what I do at my flat.

Evidently, that was the tipping point for her. Don’t get me wrong my bitches, she has been very supportive of my transition and has worked with me. But for her, and she’s told me this many times, she’s just not attracted to women. And I can understand her sentiment. While I love her, I thought about how I would feel if the roles were reversed and she were transitioning from female to male. The underlying love is still there but would the attraction still be there as I am not attracted to men. And that’s where she is. Denise is not the person (man) she fell in love with. And she’s not attracted to Denise. So crawling into bed as I did was just too much for her. So we ended our intimate relationship.

Needless to say I’m disappointed. But, I felt it coming on since I started my transition 2 weeks ago. I wish she could have been more open-minded, but I do understand her. At least we have a strong friendship so that part will remain. But outside of that, nothing else.

So I sit here in front of the keyboard, my bitches, dejected and wondering what my next steps are. I can’t say for sure but I know I have to take it one day at a time and try not to get impatient. I need to figure out, or sort through, all this negativity and emotion in order to see what the future holds for me.

For now my bitches, ciao.

Some Inspiration

March 29, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening my bitches. I just wanted to stop in a share a little inspiration with everyone tonight. I have found a new hero (or heroine): Sophie Labelle, author and artist of Assigned Male comics. I feel she is doing so much to aid and support the trans community. It’s what I hope to aspire to someday. Hopefully I’ll get her permission and can post or share some of her art as well. In the meantime, please check her page out and give her support and love as well.


Next Steps

March 27, 2017 — Leave a comment

Well my bitches, the weekend is over. (For some of my not so gentle readers it probably already is Monday in fact).

The last year or so has been an exciting ride for sure. I may have acted like a little school girl at times (and probably will for some time now) as I’ve discovered and opened up to my authentic self. That said, now that I’m settling into living a female persona full-time, expect the tone of my posts to change a bit. Not to worry my bitches, there will still be the posts on make-up, clothes, and shopping, but I plan on working towards a more advocacy and support manner for those in the LBGTQ communities.

I will share articles on, particularly, struggles or issues with those who identify as trans. That means support for those fighting bathroom bills in less than open states (i.e. Texas and North Carolina), or to do what I can to educate people on what it really means to be trans.

I will also endeavor, and continue, to support feminism and to help point out behaviours and attitudes that are harmful or that continue to perpetuate a culture of privilege and expectation against women.

Happy weekend my bitches, we made it! And, I’ve made it one full week as Denise. In some aspects, it has been rather mundane as the week has been no different from any other week. I’ve gone to work as usual, been presented with the same problems as usual, and dealt with my usual meetings and tasks. The only difference has been my presentation and even that has been rather mundane. And, as I mentioned earlier this week, that is a very good thing!

My co-workers have been extremely accommodating and accepting. From the moment I walked in last Monday, I’ve been greeted with “Morning D”, or “Hi Denise”. And that extends to my team. Questions, emails, and the like have all been prefaced with D or Denise. All in all, a very good week. Everyone has accepted my for me: Denise.

As far as joining the “girls club”, that has been the more fun and exciting changes this week. And that seems to be where I’m accepted most: among my female co-workers.

Some friends on the call center support team are some of the most ardent advocates of Denise. I have to walk past their work area to get to my cube so they are the first to greet me each day. And they have been very supportive and eager to meet Denise from the beginning. And each day I get “love your outfit” (which by the way, the header picture is from Thursday’s outfit) or other comments from them. I can’t begin to express my gratitude to them.

Then there’s the whole bathroom issue. It’s not that I’ve been nervous or anxious. I’ve been using women’s rooms for several months now. But that has typically been with strangers. It’s been around people who have never know my male persona. At work it is a bit different because they DO (or did) know me in my former presentation. And would anyone be uncomfortable when we were in the lady’s room together?

That was dispelled quite quickly the first day. During my first visit to the lady’s room as I was washing up one of my female co-workers walks out of the stall and greets me with “Morning Denise, Happy Monday!” We chatted a bit then went back to our cubes. Later, the receptionist and I passed as I was entering the ladies room and she was leaving. We then proceed to chat in the doorway for several minutes.

By the end of the week it seems like my presence in their was more than just tolerated. I was expected, and accepted. I was just another girl who’s “just gotta pee”.

And the best anecdotal evidence that I’ve been accepted to the girls club came Friday. Twice early in the day I had come out of the stall with my friend Lisa from support. As usual we chatted a bit and moved on. However, at the end of the day we ran into each other for the third time. As we were washing up Lisa looks over at me and says “well, I guess we’ve synched up our schedules now!” I laughed and looked back at her and replied “Well, if something else gets synched up, then you should be worried!”

She cracked a big smile, laughed, and replied back “No way girl! Our team has already synched up like that. We don’t need anyone else in that club with us!” So yes, I feel I’ve arrived, and I’m just one of the girls now. I am loving my life and very happy. Let’s see what next week brings!

For now, have a great weekend my bitches!


Good evening my bitches! Well, another day has passed in my new life as Denise. And, as yesterday, it was a good day. And by that, I mean I am accepted by my co-workers: no hassles, no complaints. I’ve been treated the same the last 2 days as I’ve been treated the last 4 years as a male. I’m respected, and treated no differently than before.

But as far as day-to-day life goes, I am loving it and have been very happy. Both days I’ve strutted my sassy ass into the office, head held high and proud. And that attitude carries forward. I think people see my confidence and it radiates out towards them. I have nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of so everyone sees me as me. I am Denise and I am happy!

What’s even more fun this week is actually planning my outfits! In my male persona, I had 4 polo shirts, 2 or 3 dress shirts, and jeans. Not much to decide on to wear. (Yes, I was a fairly simple person). Now, between skirts, skinny jeans, blouses, and shoes, I have more options to “express myself”. So I’ve been planning what I’ll wear not just the next day, but each day. Tomorrow I’m planning on a floral print pencil skirt, black blouse, and pink pumps. Thu I can’t decide between jeans or the black pencil skirt. And Friday will be my paneled skinny jeans with a sleeveless blouse. Can’t wait!

For now though, my not-so-gentle readers, it’s bedtime for this sassy bitch!


Free to Be Me

March 21, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening my bitches! Well, I’ve successfully completed my first full day at my old job, in my new life, as Denise. And, guess what my bitches? It was rather anti-climactic. And that’s an incredibly good thing to have happened.

I woke up as usual this morning, and went about my daily routine: cold, bubbly caffeine to wake up, potty, shower, then get ready for work. Only this time, instead of jeans, a polo or dress shirt, and sneakers or dress shoes it was a denim skirt, black blouse, nude 20170320_221002pantyhose, and my “Stevie Nicks” boots (pic at right is relaxing after work). Also, instead of just stopping at my daily wear, I added full eyeliner top and bottom, some color highlight on my lash lines, lipstick, and my wig. And instead of transferring drivers license and bank cards between purse and wallet, I just slung my purse over my shoulder and was out the door!

There was not a single ounce of nervousness or anxiety as I pulled into my office. I looked in the rear-view mirror, dabbed a fresh coat of lipstick, and strolled right into the office. I was immediately greeted by variations of “Hi D!”, “Morning Denise, have a good weekend?”, etc.

I did have a few nice compliments, but overall, as I said anti-climactic. It was just another day at work. The only difference was my physical appearance. And that, my bitches, had no impact on the work that I, my team, or my company performs on a daily basis.

And that’s how it should be everywhere. Who cares if someone is gay, lesbian, bi, trans, black, white, Jew, Muslim, Christian, etc? At the end of the day, are we competent at what we do, do our co-workers respect us, are we productive? Are we being hurtful or injurious to anyone? And ultimately, are we happy? For me, the answer is yes! I am happy! I am free to be myself! I am Denise!