Archives For Love

Sigh my bitches. What an up and down week. First off, I’ve pretty much integrated Denise now as I just finished my second full week of work. That, in and of itself was not very exciting, just another very positive experience. Which means that will the week was mostly upbeat, as the week drew to a close it slowly progressed in a downward spiral of emotions, culminating in today’s events.

The digression actually started as the weather deteriorated. It’s been beautiful, warm and sunny since the first day of Spring but, since I live in the Rocky Mountain area of the US, that doesn’t carry much weight. And the week turned cold and damp. Which left me with the “what do I wear to work?”.  All but one outfit was purchased as Winter was drawing to a close so it’s mostly Spring/Summer wear: sleeveless, or short sleeve blouses, jeans, and skirts. I have 2 sweaters that fit and look decent on me but no other outer wear. And, my shoes are pumps and heels of some sort so nothing really for snowy/rainy weather.

I could have gone out to the shops and bought something more appropriate but unfortunately, I’m about to face a several thousand dollar tax bill. That left me in not a very good emotional state for new clothes: I want/need a few more outfits but really don’t need to be spending more money with this huge bill looming.

And that led to another spiral: I didn’t want to go to work and be freezing since I’ve not much warm to wear, and no coat. I probably could have gone to Target or another big box and purchased a hoodie just to have something warm between the car and the office, but since I’ve been in a “don’t spend, save up for taxes mode”, that really wasn’t appealing. In the end, I found an old Northface jacket that worked well enough with jeans and a 3/4 length sleeve blouse to get me through the last few days at work. I combined that with a low pair of heels and jeans to it didn’t look totally out-of-place.

Aside from that, I’ve been fighting my breast forms all week. For the most part, I like them and they give some depth and dimension to my outfits. However, they’re probably a bit too large. They kept sliding up through the tops of my bras and camisoles, and the edges would peek out of the tops of my blouses. And that made me feel like a fraud.

Aside from that, they don’t transfer sensation. So I can’t really tell when I’m touching them or my girlfriend did. And that makes me wish they were real. I want to be able to sense and feel them. I want them to be able to react to wind, cold, heat, and touch. So while I do appreciate the shape and look they give me, it’s just not enough. I don’t feel “complete”.

And that brings me to the final, big downer of the weekend. My girlfriend and I went out Saturday and I stayed over at her place. It was the first time I stayed over since I’ve transitioned to Denise. The evening went well up until bedtime. I got undressed and was in a pair of panties and a camisole with the forms underneath. As I got in bed she asked “are you going to sleep in that, with your forms in”? My response was yes, as that’s what I’ve been doing for over a week, and I had told her that’s what I do at my flat.

Evidently, that was the tipping point for her. Don’t get me wrong my bitches, she has been very supportive of my transition and has worked with me. But for her, and she’s told me this many times, she’s just not attracted to women. And I can understand her sentiment. While I love her, I thought about how I would feel if the roles were reversed and she were transitioning from female to male. The underlying love is still there but would the attraction still be there as I am not attracted to men. And that’s where she is. Denise is not the person (man) she fell in love with. And she’s not attracted to Denise. So crawling into bed as I did was just too much for her. So we ended our intimate relationship.

Needless to say I’m disappointed. But, I felt it coming on since I started my transition 2 weeks ago. I wish she could have been more open-minded, but I do understand her. At least we have a strong friendship so that part will remain. But outside of that, nothing else.

So I sit here in front of the keyboard, my bitches, dejected and wondering what my next steps are. I can’t say for sure but I know I have to take it one day at a time and try not to get impatient. I need to figure out, or sort through, all this negativity and emotion in order to see what the future holds for me.

For now my bitches, ciao.
denise

Some Inspiration

March 29, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening my bitches. I just wanted to stop in a share a little inspiration with everyone tonight. I have found a new hero (or heroine): Sophie Labelle, author and artist of Assigned Male comics. I feel she is doing so much to aid and support the trans community. It’s what I hope to aspire to someday. Hopefully I’ll get her permission and can post or share some of her art as well. In the meantime, please check her page out and give her support and love as well.

Ciao,
denise

“D-Day” Part 1

February 23, 2017 — Leave a comment

Hello again my bitches! Well, it’s been a day. A “D-Day” to be exact. And the first of many I hope.

To begin with, I had my first session with the gender identity therapist. And I got up, put on my skinny jeans, one of my new blouses, and my pink pumps and off I went. It was a good session but a lot of it was background, and though process leading up to where I am today. She was a good listener and provided a lot of support. In the end, she decided, based on my where I am and how I got there, is that she would be more of a sounding board and progress meter as you will.

After the session I stopped off at a boutique that specializes in apparel for the trans and cross-dressing community as I was looking for breast forms. This girl needs a bit of help upstairs f you know what I mean my bitches 🙂

The sales person was very helpful and with her assistance I selected a size 11 silicon form. That translates to about a size 46-B. It seemed to fit my body shape and size and it looked so natural. The only problem was that they could only find the left one. They had the box for the right side but it was empty. So I left them my contact info and they were going to continue looking or re-order another pair and call me back when they come in. So, I left empty-handed as it were.

Then, my bitches, it was off for more clothes shopping! I am really looking for a denim skirt to go with my boots or a few of my tops. A girl can’t have clothes, am I right?? I stopped at 4 different stores to no avail. I guess it’s still a bit early for that attire.

But amidst all that I realized I had the day off to myself, I’m dressed as Denise, and just having fun. It was “Denise’s Day Out”!

And that brings me to the definition of what I now see as the true “D-Day”: the day I fully transition into Denis full-time. So while this was “part-1”, the next “D-Day” will be the day I say good-bye to my old life and welcome my new self. I may even consider celebrating it as a second birthday.

That’s it for tonight my bitches,

Ciao,
denise

Hello there my bitches and happy post Valentine’s Day! I hope everyone received the day they hoped for!

As for me, I got a cute surprise at work. I had been at one meeting early and then stopped by my boss’s office to give him a few updates and status on some items my team is working on. When I got back to my desk, I found the a flower and card next to my keyboard (see featured image).

And no my bitches, I do not have a secret admirer (nor do I want one). It turned out the card and flower was from one of our tier 1 support personnel. Inside the envelope was a card shaped like a piece of toast and on it she wrote that I was “her jam” and that she couldn’t wait to meet Denise in person. I can’t begin to tell you how that made me feel. For one, that I have such a supportive company, is immensely huge. And second, that I have co-workers who care enough that they are eager to meet my new self.

I walked over to tell her thank you, and that it DID mean a lot to me. She just gave me a big hug and said “I take care of my girls”.

And on that note my bitches, I am out of here tonight.

Ciao my lovely bitches!
denise

Good evening my bitches! Or, good night (it’s even late here).

Well, what a weekend, actually longer, towards life full-time life as Denise. First, let me follow-up with the Groundhog Day happy hour. Let’s just say I was beaming.

I shut down a little after 4:00 PM, touched up my make-up and changed from the pale pink blouse with black lace on the sides, to a grey turtleneck sweater over the floral pencil skirt, and donned my new pink pumps. I would have loved to wear the other top but it was 18 degrees outside and that pink blouse is sleeveless!

When I arrived at the bar my co-worker L and her boyfriend were there already. I walked in and received a loving “Denise, you made it!” along with a warm hug from L. I sat down at the bar and the waitress slid right up “What can I get you ladies?” I’m smiling on the inside and just feeling warm all over despite the cold. Shortly after my former co-worker M arrives. She walks in, looks around and sees L, then her eyes widen in a giant smile and comes over for another huge hug. And the night just kept up. Good friends, accepting me, letting me be the girl I am. We all had a wonderful time, lots of hugs all around.

I ordered a pizza to be delivered to the bar (it’s actually a distillery and as such doesn’t have a license to server food) and took it home to my girlfriend. She was sick and couldn’t make it so I just went and had my fun. And that’s where it gets even better. She had let herself into my flat and got cozy while I was at happy hour. So, I get home in my new outfit, walk in give her hugs and kisses and start getting undressed as if this has been my whole life. Off comes the wig, then the sweater and heels. I’m standing at the vanity in pantyhose and camisole taking off my make-up. Just another day in the life 🙂

Friday wasn’t much to write about. Just work then a quiet evening at home while my girlfriend tried to recoup. But Saturday…

We had originally planned for our salon day together Wednesday after work. But since she wasn’t feeling well I went and got my nails done and rescheduled Y for Saturday morning. We had discussed plans for shopping and since I wanted to be dressed, I said it made sense for me to go with her to the salon as Denise. So, up and at ’em Saturday morning. I get dressed in my black pencil skirt and that same grey sweater I wore Thursday for happy hour.

The salon was pretty boring. We sat and chatted while she was getting her nails done and then I moved to the massage chair for some relaxation time. It was about lunch when she was finished so off to a diner for food: her with her new nails, me in my Saturday “business” suit. Not much to tell other than us girls having fun and food. Then, off to big box store number one so I could try and find a decent purse at a reasonable price to replace my tiny clutch.While there I also found a few accessories like more earrings, and two necklaces.

We dropped our first purchases off at my flat and were back at it. This time, to a different big box retailer. This one catering more towards clothing in general. We both shopped around for a while and we had picked out several outfits  to try on so off to the dressing room (we each chose separate stalls). One of my most amazing picks was a pair of skinny jeans to go with several of my tops. I had done some online shopping to try and get an estimate for sizing in jeans. I was not happy. Based on my current men’s jean and comparable sizing charts I figured I was going to be a 24 in women’s. And that’s what size I started with. Much to my surprise they were big! And way big! I went back out and found a pair of 20’s and 22’s and back to the fitting room. I started with the 20’s thinking I’d go low, then come back up. Guess what bitches? The 20’s were big so back out again! In the end, I wound up with a 16 skinny jeans! And even then those were  a bit big!

We finally finished and headed out with our purchases and back to my flat where I changed into those newly bought jeans and top and we’re off to dinner: two sexy ladies out on the town!

There’s a lot more, particularly for Sunday, but it’s late and I’m tired. I’ll recap the rest om Monday. Until then check out the featured pick with one of my purchases.

Ciao my lovelies!
denise

A change for 2017

January 4, 2017 — Leave a comment

Today’s topic, bitches, is about change! It can be good, it can be neutral, or it can be bad. Those outcomes, however, are based on the perception of those experiencing that change.

To start with, I’m changing the look of my blog. For myself, I feel this is a good experience. From my perspective, the original WordPress theme was limiting. I honestly didn’t like that the widgets were in the footer. That mean that you, my (not-so) gentle readers, were forced to read to the bottom to find the like, follow, or comment buttons. From a user experience perspective, readers should have all the web or application controls and widgets needed to browse, comment, the like, nearby without having to scroll or look around for them. On that note, my bitches, let me know if, from your perspective, this change is good, neutral, or bad.

The second topic around change is much more serious. It’s regarding National Geographic’s January 2017 cover story on the Gender Revolution. The story, as reported by USA Today, features a 9-year old transgender girl, Avery, on their cover.

From my point of view, this is a good change. It is putting the topic of gender identity more into the public eye, and challenging many existing norms and stereotypes. As Robin Marantz Henig notes in one story from this issue

“Many of us learned in high school biology that sex chromosomes determine a baby’s sex, full stop: XX means it’s a girl; XY means it’s a boy. But on occasion, XX and XY don’t tell the whole story”

But what does this mean? It means that we, as a race, are just really beginning to unravel what makes us human. And, as the editor of National Geographic explains in a note on why they opted for this story “beliefs about gender are shifting rapidly and radically”.

For some, this type of change is not being perceived in a positive light. It is challenging their social, and religious, ideology. How can one rationalize a belief system that is binary in nature (good/evil, man/woman, male/female, etc) when presented with non-binary  types (intersex, transgender)?

As I discussed with my mother over Christmas, it’s not easy. I tried a thought experiment with her along these lines: If God created people in his image, didn’t he create intersex, and transgender people this way (I went on as well about gay, lesbian, etc). And if he created them, and since “science” is proving more and more that people are born this way, doesn’t that mean they are part of God, that God created them gay, lesbian, trans, as well and deserve love and compassion?

Her response sort of defied logic: “God created man and woman. If they are born gay, or trans, then Satan made them that way and they can pray, ask forgiveness, and return to how God created them”.

And that, my bitches, is why I applaud NatGeo for publishing this special issue: Let’s get these topics more out in the open so people can understand non-binary types. Let’s get the dialogue moving (hopefully) in a more positive light and acceptance.

One last favor to my readers. First off, be an ally to any LGBTQ friends or family you know. Let them know you support them. Secondly, please sound off on my blog with your thoughts and comments.

Signing off for tonight my lovelies,

Ciao,
denise

It wasn’t too long ago that the Boy Scouts of America found themselves embroiled in the sexual orientation political  maelstrom due to its policy banning members or leader who were gay. Over the course of about a year the council revised its stance and followed the course of the rest of the country in non-discrimination rights and practices. That is: the organization would not (and can’t) use sexual orientation to deny membership. And we all thought that was settled until this week. USA Today broke two stories: one a positive piece on National Geographic’s cover of a trans girl (and in-depth article on gender revolution) then secondly, their story yesterday on a trans boy’s removal from his Cub Scout pack.

As I read in a Facebook article yesterday, a young, transgender boy was removed from his Cub Scout pack because he was in fact born biologically female.

I took that first article with a grain of salt, not that I didn’t believe it, but more from the “it was on Facebook” perspective. Because, as we all know my lovelies, not everything on the Internet, much less Facebook, is true.

But today the story appeared on several new sites that are rather more reliable. I’m including a link to the story from USA Today as reported through MSN. However, tonight’s post isn’t as much about the story as it is the response.

I’ll have to admit that in some aspects I wasn’t surprise at the negative reaction. Many commenting on the article calling the parent’s abusive, saying that CPS should be brought in and remove the child, etc (back to this later). What was more surprising to me was the lack of religious fervor in the comments. I more than expected to see reactions like “God didn’t create these psychos”, quotes from Leviticus condemning gay people, and more. That aside, I’ll return to the common thread among the respondents.

I’ll be the first to admit that there is a lot of misleading information regarding gender identity, transgender, intersex people. And it can be confusing to filter fact from fiction. I myself can attest to that as I’m still trying to figure out where and what I am, and where I fall on the gender spectrum. But in the end, does it really matter? Why do we as a society feel that we have the right, or need, to judge people, and their actions or beliefs particularly when they are different?

Why can’t we as a society let people be free to live the lives they are comfortable with regardless of how they identify or express themselves? Why do we have to mock, tear down, and vilify those that aren’t the same as us?

If a person, as a parent, doesn’t understand transgender, or intersex issues, that’s one thing. But when their child is confused, seems to be acting out, or struggling with their identity, what is more supportive and helpful? Trying to understand and figure it out with their child, and being supportive of the child in their exploration? Or making them adopt the parent’s view-point, restricting their exploration and discovery?

In my opinion, it’s the former and the latter can only bring about more trauma, confusion, and, as can be seen in numerous articles, physical harm. Suicide rates among transgender people is high enough without the additional stigma and lack of support from family.

So help me, gentle readers. Become an ally, Show support for trans friends and family. Stand up with me and say to others that we’re all humans who just want to live happy lives.

Ciao,

denise

Bitches, I’m Back!

November 24, 2016 — Leave a comment

Yes, I’m back bitches! I may seem a little sassy right now but it’s been a whirlwind year and I feel I’ve earned it. And by whirlwind, I mean overall it has had some major downs but thing are looking up.

To start with, just over a year ago I lost my youngest grandson. He had an accident in the tub and passed away 10 days after his first birthday. I won’t go into the details but suffice it to say I lost between 3 and 4 months of my life. I honestly don’t know where they went. They are gone. I have a faint, foggy memory of Christmas but November, December, and January don’t seem to have existed. I look back on the last time I blogged and don’t remember writing anything in January but I see the evidence. But, as I started coming out of my grief and fog in February I realized I needed to change my life. I needed to be authentic and true to myself. And that’s when the next changes started.

I began talking with my wife about how this was not the life I wanted. I knew it wasn’t the life she wanted either. We had been living in an open relationship lifestyle for about 5 years but it wasn’t really working out. Aside from my gender fluidity, I had come to realize that I am really not wired for monogamy. That doesn’t mean I can’t love someone for a long time, or the rest of my life, but that they aren’t going to be the only person I love in a romantic or sexual manner. And, with everything I had learned, I began to change my philosophy and ideas around marriage. That is: Why do people need a certificate, or license, to prove they love each other and are committed to each other? Why can’t you just love each other and take care of each other, be there for one another, and support each other? Why do you have to share finances, a house, a car, etc just to say “we love each other and we’re married?” She, on the other hand, decided she needed that stability, that “paper document”, and everything else that comes with a marriage. She wanted the “status quo”, the identity of being a married couple and all the privileges granted to it. And that while she believed in open relationships and polyamory in theory, I believe she looked at her parent’s 50 plus years of marriage and saw that as the ultimate goal and achievement and couldn’t reconcile the two. In the end, we talked about it like mature adults and each decided that live the remainder of our lives as friends and to pursue our happiness along separate paths. We sold the house, paid off all our debt, divided the remainder, then filed for divorce ourselves.

All along the way, I began making changes to my life based on what I felt was being authentic to myself. I had never stopped wearing make-up to work but I became a bit more bold. Aside from the daily wear I had been using (foundation, concealer, powder, and mascara) I started adding eye shadow as well. It was usually something very subtle like a copper or bronze. I also began tweezing my brows a little more, shaping and thinning them.

At the same time, I had gotten back with my girlfriend (we had broken up right about the time our grandson died but that’s another story) and I began going to the salon with her for a manicure. At first I was just getting a basic treatment with trimmed nails and cuticles, and clear polish. Then she suggested I try something decorative for my index finger. I had aces done for my poker league, then a Lord of the Rings design. Around August I decided to go with a design based on Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”: A black nail with the prism and rainbow. The nail artist misunderstood and instead of just painting one nail, did it across all of them. I was too embarrassed to tell her “No, I only wanted it on one nail” so I went with it. Other than all black (or mostly black) I really liked it. So the next trip I found and went with a metallic, charcoal grey. Then a 3-D Halloween design, to what I’m wearing now: heat sensitive, color-changing shellac in a light mauve to deep eggplant purple tones.

And all while I’m making these changes, I’m adding more bold shadows, and even liner to my daily wear. A co-worker and I created “winged eyeliner Thursday” where we see what kinds of cute and interesting designs we can make with eyeliner. It’s fun and I’m enjoying my life. I feel I am able to express who I truly am now.

I know this is a lot to drop on my lovelies, my bitches, my not so gentle readers, but I have to start somewhere. Look forward to more posts soon including pics of what I’ve learned to do in the last year. And aside from my life, there’s the whole word on fire too with anti-LGBTQ fear and uncertainty. I’ll cover that too.

But for now, goodnight my lovelies. Until next time…
Ciao, Denise

Baby Steps

August 14, 2015 — 2 Comments

An interesting night last night that carried over into this morning. My girlfriend and I had a talk about my desire to dress and her comfort level around it. While she’s been at least generally accepting of it there’s still been a bit of unease. Part of it is that is because she says that what she finds attractive about me is my “manliness” and it’s hard for her to wrap her head around this other side of me.

We then spent the evening discussing ways to see if she could be more comfortable around me dressing. Part of, we agreed, is familiarity. When we first started dating I was open about it and that I did it. At that time I had been shaving my legs and chest for some time so that was how she got to know me. It was weird for her, but she got to where it was “normal”.
When I started using clear polish on my nails several months ago, it was a bit of a shock to her at first, but again, it is becoming “normal”.

And, I did get the chance to fully dress for her back in July and it wasn’t a complete turn-off for her. So in the end, we talked about me being more “out” around the house in order for her to gain that familiarity. Therefore, my (or our) goal is to dress more, wear make-up more often. Do things we normally do around the house except dressed and in make-up. And that includes being myself and doing things like hugging her, kissing her, cuddling on the couch, all while dressed.

And, to make good on our agreement, as I was in the mood to do so, I told her I was going to wear make-up to work today (my usual minimal, natural look). I showered, got dressed and applied the concealer, foundation, powder, and mascara and then “reveled” myself. I guess I did a good job with the natural look because she said “I honestly can’t tell you have it on”. Only looking close could she tell I was even wearing mascara. She also commented on how fast it was. When I came upstairs she said “Did you already put make-up on”? Of course, I had showered, shaved, dressed and applied make-up. Her comment was that it usually takes her an hour. I guess it does help to go minimal 🙂

Well my lovelies, I need to wrap this up.
Till next time,
Ciao!
Denise

Angel

July 6, 2015 — Leave a comment

I hope everyone (at least my US readers) enjoyed their 3-day weekend. I know I did. Both my girlfriend and I had the day off on the 3rd and we talked about my desire to cross dress. She has another friend who has shown “interest” in dressing as well and showed her a few pictures of himself dressed. His idea and mine are not the same and I wanted to assure her that unlike him, I did not ascribe to the “wear a pair of panties and a corset, slap on some lipstick and a costume wig” and say “Look, I’m a girl”.

I believe in trying to pass. I believe in making myself look pretty and not just a “guy in a wig with lipstick”.

With that, we agreed that I would transition from myself to Denise for her.

I got out my makeup bag, got dressed in my panties, stockings, and high heels. I put on my wig and started on my makeup. And I worked carefully and took my time. I did my concealer and foundation and got an even, natural base. Then added the mineral powder working my way up my face. I did a combination of liquid eyeliner and pencil and got a neat, cat-eye shape then proceeded to add the eye shadow and mascara. I finished with a little blush and then my dark plum-colored lipstick with gloss. One final brush of the wig to neaten it up and I walked up the stairs for my presentation. Her words were “Wow! You look pretty! That’s not what I imagined. You look like an angel”.

It felt very good to hear those things and I was very happy. We spent a few hours in the basement while I worked around the desk filing, cleaning up, and organizing all while dressed as Denise. Eventually, the day and house started getting warm and I was sweating under the wig so it was time to take everything off and return to my regular guy day.

Next time, I’ll provide pictures of the final results.

Ciao! Denise