Archives For Lifestyle Changes

Free to Be Me

March 21, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening my bitches! Well, I’ve successfully completed my first full day at my old job, in my new life, as Denise. And, guess what my bitches? It was rather anti-climactic. And that’s an incredibly good thing to have happened.

I woke up as usual this morning, and went about my daily routine: cold, bubbly caffeine to wake up, potty, shower, then get ready for work. Only this time, instead of jeans, a polo or dress shirt, and sneakers or dress shoes it was a denim skirt, black blouse, nude 20170320_221002pantyhose, and my “Stevie Nicks” boots (pic at right is relaxing after work). Also, instead of just stopping at my daily wear, I added full eyeliner top and bottom, some color highlight on my lash lines, lipstick, and my wig. And instead of transferring drivers license and bank cards between purse and wallet, I just slung my purse over my shoulder and was out the door!

There was not a single ounce of nervousness or anxiety as I pulled into my office. I looked in the rear-view mirror, dabbed a fresh coat of lipstick, and strolled right into the office. I was immediately greeted by variations of “Hi D!”, “Morning Denise, have a good weekend?”, etc.

I did have a few nice compliments, but overall, as I said anti-climactic. It was just another day at work. The only difference was my physical appearance. And that, my bitches, had no impact on the work that I, my team, or my company performs on a daily basis.

And that’s how it should be everywhere. Who cares if someone is gay, lesbian, bi, trans, black, white, Jew, Muslim, Christian, etc? At the end of the day, are we competent at what we do, do our co-workers respect us, are we productive? Are we being hurtful or injurious to anyone? And ultimately, are we happy? For me, the answer is yes! I am happy! I am free to be myself! I am Denise!

 

 

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Hi there bitches, having a wonderful weekend? I hope so!

As for me, most of the day has been sitting here staring at my screen for hours trying to decide what to write. Then, taking  break doing some laundry, then staring a t the screen. Every time I sat down I couldn’t think of what to write about. It feels like there are a million things swirling around in my head and they all seem of some importance, but then… where to start. For one, it’s been an a bit of an emotional weekend so far. However, I’m at a point where I can write about that portion yet.

But, after an evening with friends (yes, this party gurl just got home 😉 ) I have some ideas and they are all positive.

For starters, and I mentioned some good things in my previous post “Next Steps” and that I would follow up on them later. Well, it’s later now bitches!

I guess the first thing, and in some ways it’s really cool and definitely an affirmation about myself, is my computer and how I logon. I have a fairly new laptop, I bought it last Fall, and it implements a bio-metric logon using face  recognition. I set it up and configured it as my masculine persona, D. Well my bitches, guess what happened when I sat in front of the computer as Denise? It did’t recognize me! I had to switch to PIN and password in order to login. Not that big of a deal but still frustrating. So on my work from home day Thursday, where I put on full make-up, clothes, and wig, I signed in as D, and added a second account. Then, I set the sign-on process to use Windows “Hello” and camera, which took a separate picture for Denise. Now, I open the laptop, the camera turns on and I get “Hello Denise!” I can’t tell you how good that feels 🙂 Warm fuzzy’s all over!

The other really positive for the weekend (so far. There IS all of Sunday to go) was the evening I had with friends. Tonight was our regular league night for the poker club I am in. And the wife of the person who runs the league is the one who sent me the Boy X Boy cartoon last Sunday. So I decided to go en-femme, and as Denise. And I struggled with it all afternoon. I wanted to go, but my clothes still are a bit snug, and don’t fit well. And, the ones that do fit fairly well, don’t look right as they are designed for how shall I say it… People with more bosom than I possess. That makes them appear flat and one dimensional and not as flattering in my opinion.

So as usual, I started on my make-up with the “I’ll just throw on some concealer and foundation, maybe a little powder, and call it good” approach. However, as I’ve noticed quite a bit recently, it never stops there. Before I know it I’m moving on to my liner, shadow, brows and mascara. And, if I’m at home, lip liner and lipstick.

I had all my make-up applied in 20 minutes and decided to try on the wig to see how the complete look turned out. Well my bitches, that was all it took. I was looking good! In fact, check out the featured image for today’s blog bitches!

As I’ve bee wearing my tights and panties underneath my jeans for the last few weeks anyway, it didn’t take much for me to switch, pull on a short pencil skirt and baby blue v-neck blouse, and my kitten heel black sandals. Ta da bitches! Denise is going out!

My league seems very accepting of me (of course, 4 of the members work with me and have seen me with make-up on before). Everyone was polite, and talked to me as if nothing was any different. I did request on member not use my male name, and that either D (the gender neutral moniker) or Denise. He was totally cool and said sure D, no problem, I didn’t know.

After I got knocked out, I spent a good hour having “girl talk” with the wife and hostess of the league, sharing how I felt, how much I appreciated her support, and the like. It’s nights and events like this that are uplifting and affirmative, and that support that I am who I am. I am Denise, and I am trans! I love me 🙂

Good night bitches!
denise

Here we are bitches, one day closer to Christmas. And Sandra Claus is coming to town!

Actually, I’m a bit toned down this weekend as I’m a bit outside my comfort zone. I’m in Texas to visit family and most of them have no clue about my life outside of their little bubble. However, it’s not my family I’m concerned about as the rest of the people I encounter. Why?

Texas is one of the few “bathroom bill” states. A state where if a person isn’t straight, white, and married then you must be a pervert, deranged, mentally unfit, or just “gay” (you know, that derogatory “That’s just gay” attitude).

In general, I honestly don’t care what people think. Everyone has a right to their beliefs and opinions. But in Texas it seems like people who believe and live differently than your’s truly here, not only do not share the “live and let live” philosophy, but

  1. Want to force people to believe that their thought’s, belief’s, opinion’s are correct
  2. Think that anyone outside their belief system is “sick”, or “needs Jesus”, or is “going to hell”

Thus laws like bathroom bills (thankfully voted down). In this forward thinking state the bill would have required people to use bathrooms associated with the gender on their birth certificate. Besides being (in this writer’s personal opinion) a bit backwards, it’s also a bit creepy. For example, how were they to enforce it? Would the state or local municipalities hire extra personnel to check birth certificates and have people pull down their unmentionables to check genitalia? “I’m sorry ma’am, even though you appear to be female and have what appears to be a vagina, your birth certificate says male. Therefore, you’re in violation and are under immediate arrest”.

There have been actual elected officials (mayors, senators, sheriffs to name a few) who have publicly stated they would “beat up”, “shoot”, “kill” any “pervert attempting to use the wrong bathroom”.

Thus my trepidation my (not-so) gentle readers. 20161224_164455I’ve toned down my make-up to just basic daily wear: That is foundation, concealer, powder, and a nude, natural lipstick. (FYI, it’s Revlon’s Champagne on Ice, 205).

More importantly, it’s my nails. I go with my girlfriend every few weeks or so for manis and pedis. Since I am a bit hard on nails and chip the crap out of them just by looking I’ve switched to shellac’s. And this week I went with a heat sensitive, color changing shellac so it’s quite obvious.

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Warm color

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Cold color

Overall, I just go about my business and act natural. I feel like if a person is self conscious, draws attention with their nervousness, that it actually attracts more attention.But, I am on-guard end keep my eyes and ears peeled just in case.

Enough for now my lovelies! Happy Christmas Eve, Happy first day of Hanukkah my lovelies.

Ciao, denise

Merry Christmas Bitches!

December 24, 2016 — Leave a comment

Well, almost, but close enough! Who’s ready for Sandra Claus? (Snickers)

This girl for one! I know it’s been almost a month (I know, I’ve been bad),  since the “exciting weekend” but not a lot has been going on other than working my ass off. Unfortunately my ass isn’t showing the reward.

But, here we are on Christmas Eve, Eve. Other than work nothing really exciting has been going on. My girlfriend though has been impressed with my make-up skills so she’s been asking me to do things for her. For one, she dressed as a Christmas Elf for her office party and asked me for help there. It was my first time putting make-up on anyone else so I went over the night before and practiced, tried different looks, until we found one she liked. We went with the “Frozen” look: Icy blue eye shadow with winged eyeliner, and a glittery-white top coat for sparkle.

As for me, I’ve just been practicing a lot, and even going for the full effect look. And, I think I’ve found my colors for my “day look”.20161223_224012
This is a bit more evening wear as I’m using the grey eye shadow. The main difference is for work it’s a bit more clean. That is, a lighter version of the orange shadow with a thinner eye liner. Several of my female co-workers have commented that they think it’s a fresher look.

I also downloaded the Mary Kay app for my phone just to play with different looks. This one is actually closer to my daily wear now and other than earrings and lip gloss, that’s all my own make-up, and my wig, all applied by me.
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I now I’m liking it 🙂 What do YOU think my lovelies?

Ciao, and have a wonderful Christmas!
Denise

 

Oh, P.S….

I promise I’ll write more!

An Exciting Weekend

November 29, 2016 — Leave a comment

Yes, bitches, I am back! And this girl is sassy!

As I mentioned in my previous post the last year has been one of change. While there has been a lot of negative energy in it, there has also been a lot of really good energy as well. Aside from my divorce, the last few months have been extremely positive.

For one, my workplace has been very supportive. Look at the ways I’ve been experimenting and, yes, even wearing different shades of shadow and eyeliner to work.

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It doesn’t seem to matter what I wear to work, how I “express myself”. Each day I arrive I am treated no different from last week, last month, last year. The team members I lead, manage, and mentor treat me with the same respect and courtesy they always have. I lead meetings, I get questions, I’m asked to help them out. Based on my skills, experience, and knowledge in my field, I am no different to my co-workers no matter how I show up to work. I have amazing fucking co-workers at an amazing fucking company bitches!

And, it gets even better my lovelies! Last weekend I attended Drag Queen Christmas (with members of Ru Paul’s Drag Race Season 8 contestants) with my girlfriend. You got that right!

I had asked her earlier this month if she would like to go and how she felt if I attended en femme. Her response was “Sure! I’d LOVE to!”

As the day drew near and we made plans, I told her 1) I need to get new heels. I broke one of my 3″ black pumps not long ago and while I could manage, walking around for several hours, downtown, up and down stairs was not that appealing. I also needed to figure out what to wear, what fit, and what looked good so I asked her if she’d help me pick out an outfit. And,I asked her if she wanted to get a make-over with me! Oh yeah, I went there bitches! (Besides, what girl DOESN’T want a make-over, right?)

So Friday, she said “Why don’t you come over today with all your outfits and let’s play dress-up?”.
OK girls, who just got excited about THAT? THIS girl did!

I packed my “go-bag” with 2 dresses, a black pencil skirt, and several blouses, and my wig. I tossed in 2 pair of tights, panties, and my broke ass pumps. (A girl needs SOMETHING to wear while shopping. Am I right?)

First I tried on the pencil skirt and the blouses. I just love, love, LOVE that skirt! The first blouse was a just a little tight but not bad. It wound up choice number 2. The second blouse was just too damn tight and not flattering at all so then I switched to the dresses. As it’s cold out, I had picked 2 different cable-knit sweater dresses. One, charcoal grey, the other a burgundy. The former is pretty much an A-line dress with a heavy, knit pattern. The latter flares out more at the knees (see right).
red-sweater-dress And that’s the one we chose for the show.

As it’s getting late and this post is getting long-winded, I’m going to fast-forward a bit to Saturday. We both got dressed and headed for our make-over. While at the salon I found a pair of black kitten heels that fit and added them to our purchase. We went to check-in to our hotel a few blocks from the show and I’m thinking “I’m dressed and I need to show photo id, and credit card when we get to the hotel. I wonder how that will play out”. Turns out, it was not an issue. I walked up to the guest counter and said “checking in”. They asked my last name, and said “Oh, we see you checked in online. We have your room ready… What do we call you?”

I assumed they were asking my name so I told them. The desk agent looked at me and said “No, how would you like us to address you? Do you have a name or gender preference?”

As it registered what he was asking, my face lit up and I replied “Oh, I go by D. Just the initial!”

“That’s perfect D! We’ll put that in your file for future reference. Here’s your room key and enjoy your stay!”

Wow!

And, the night just kept getting better. H (my girlfriend) and  I put on some finishing touches then headed for our dinner reservation. By then, I was elated! It was about a 4 block walk to the restaurant and theater along the city’s very popular downtown, open air mall. And I did not give a flying fuck! I had my sashay and swagger on bitches! I had my runway walk on point! It was like a 4 block walk off! I had my little black clutch in one hand, H’s hand in my other, I was strutting my ass and legs all the way down that mother fucking street!

Then, as dinner was drawing to a close and the waiter brings us our check, he looks at me and asked “So, are you the entertainment for tonight?”

It took me a minute but then it hit me: He thought I was part of the show! Damn! Did I really look THAT hot? Was I that on-point with everything? H summed it up fairly nicely. She said “It’s your confidence. You’re practically radiating it. I’ve known you for over three years and while this side is new to me, and this almost feels like a first date, I like it. You’re being you. You’re authentic. And people see that.”

Soon after we paid the check, left the restaurant, and headed for the show. By then, it was almost anti-climactic. Don’t get me wrong, the show was just fabulous. But it just couldn’t compare to the events leading up to it.

Well my lovelies, my bitches, my not-so-gentle readers, it is late and I need my beauty sleep. I shall return soon, I promise! Until then,

ciao,
denise

Bitches, I’m Back!

November 24, 2016 — Leave a comment

Yes, I’m back bitches! I may seem a little sassy right now but it’s been a whirlwind year and I feel I’ve earned it. And by whirlwind, I mean overall it has had some major downs but thing are looking up.

To start with, just over a year ago I lost my youngest grandson. He had an accident in the tub and passed away 10 days after his first birthday. I won’t go into the details but suffice it to say I lost between 3 and 4 months of my life. I honestly don’t know where they went. They are gone. I have a faint, foggy memory of Christmas but November, December, and January don’t seem to have existed. I look back on the last time I blogged and don’t remember writing anything in January but I see the evidence. But, as I started coming out of my grief and fog in February I realized I needed to change my life. I needed to be authentic and true to myself. And that’s when the next changes started.

I began talking with my wife about how this was not the life I wanted. I knew it wasn’t the life she wanted either. We had been living in an open relationship lifestyle for about 5 years but it wasn’t really working out. Aside from my gender fluidity, I had come to realize that I am really not wired for monogamy. That doesn’t mean I can’t love someone for a long time, or the rest of my life, but that they aren’t going to be the only person I love in a romantic or sexual manner. And, with everything I had learned, I began to change my philosophy and ideas around marriage. That is: Why do people need a certificate, or license, to prove they love each other and are committed to each other? Why can’t you just love each other and take care of each other, be there for one another, and support each other? Why do you have to share finances, a house, a car, etc just to say “we love each other and we’re married?” She, on the other hand, decided she needed that stability, that “paper document”, and everything else that comes with a marriage. She wanted the “status quo”, the identity of being a married couple and all the privileges granted to it. And that while she believed in open relationships and polyamory in theory, I believe she looked at her parent’s 50 plus years of marriage and saw that as the ultimate goal and achievement and couldn’t reconcile the two. In the end, we talked about it like mature adults and each decided that live the remainder of our lives as friends and to pursue our happiness along separate paths. We sold the house, paid off all our debt, divided the remainder, then filed for divorce ourselves.

All along the way, I began making changes to my life based on what I felt was being authentic to myself. I had never stopped wearing make-up to work but I became a bit more bold. Aside from the daily wear I had been using (foundation, concealer, powder, and mascara) I started adding eye shadow as well. It was usually something very subtle like a copper or bronze. I also began tweezing my brows a little more, shaping and thinning them.

At the same time, I had gotten back with my girlfriend (we had broken up right about the time our grandson died but that’s another story) and I began going to the salon with her for a manicure. At first I was just getting a basic treatment with trimmed nails and cuticles, and clear polish. Then she suggested I try something decorative for my index finger. I had aces done for my poker league, then a Lord of the Rings design. Around August I decided to go with a design based on Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”: A black nail with the prism and rainbow. The nail artist misunderstood and instead of just painting one nail, did it across all of them. I was too embarrassed to tell her “No, I only wanted it on one nail” so I went with it. Other than all black (or mostly black) I really liked it. So the next trip I found and went with a metallic, charcoal grey. Then a 3-D Halloween design, to what I’m wearing now: heat sensitive, color-changing shellac in a light mauve to deep eggplant purple tones.

And all while I’m making these changes, I’m adding more bold shadows, and even liner to my daily wear. A co-worker and I created “winged eyeliner Thursday” where we see what kinds of cute and interesting designs we can make with eyeliner. It’s fun and I’m enjoying my life. I feel I am able to express who I truly am now.

I know this is a lot to drop on my lovelies, my bitches, my not so gentle readers, but I have to start somewhere. Look forward to more posts soon including pics of what I’ve learned to do in the last year. And aside from my life, there’s the whole word on fire too with anti-LGBTQ fear and uncertainty. I’ll cover that too.

But for now, goodnight my lovelies. Until next time…
Ciao, Denise

Well my lovelies, that was fun! I ran home after work, switched out of my “guy clothes” and started getting ready for the movie. It helped that I had worn panties and tights under my jeans all day so all I had to do was pull on my body shaper then apply my make-up and wig, and throw on my heels. I would say I was out of the house in just over 30 minutes and on the road.

The first thing that hit me was that I was hungry with a capital H and that we weren’t going to have time for dinner before the movie. So as I drove through a fast food place for a small sandwich I got a small thrill of ordering as Denise. I placed my order then proceeded to the window and was greeted with a “That will be $5.21 ma’am. Do you need any ketchup”? I felt good.

I made it to my wife’s place about 30 minutes later and she met me in the parking garage. We went up to her apartment so I could giver her the mail and our tax documents which involved walking across the garage to the residence elevator, up two floors, then down two long corridors. Not once was I self-conscious about my appearance. In fact, I felt very confident, and, with my little black clutch in hand, striding with purpose, almost strutting, down the hall, smiling and nodding at passing tenants.

We finished our mail and tax business and just before heading back out, I touched up my lipstick and hair, then back down the hall to the car.

The theater was not very crowded. In fact, there were 3 other couples at the show. But, every one of the staff greeted us “you ladies” or some variant.

Now on to the show. While IMDB said it was fictitious and loosely based on Lili’s life, it did seem pretty accurate and close to what I had read up on her. I won’t go into the details to pick apart the movie (although Eddie Redmayne was again brilliant) but rather, I’d like to point out how in some ways I relate to it and her.

Like Lili, many of my memories seem to have been repressed. The movie shows Einar, pre-transition, often fondling or caressing women’s clothing in various stores or dressing rooms. I have felt that way many times while shopping with my wife or girlfriend or even on other women. While I appreciate and admire how they look in their dresses, skirts, blouses, or shoes I often think “Ooh, I’d like that”, or “I think that would look nice on me”. It’s as much as my appreciation of how it compliments them as it is my desire for it as well. I think the movie captured that longing by Einar as well. But, similar to his real life, those desired never seemed to be acted upon until his wife needed help.

They are both painters with Einar the premier landscape artist and his wife Gerta, is primarily focused on portraits. When the model of one of her paintings cancels at the last-minute she urges Einar to help out by posing in the costume. In the movie, he is at first shy and hesitant, but gets into the role quickly. According to the biography, he is a bit more adamant and reluctant to oblige. Regardless, for him that is the trigger to rekindle long repressed urges and desires (at least that’s how the movie portrays it).

It is similar with me. A woman I dated a few years ago had almost a fetish-like desire to have sex with cross dressing men. When she discussed it with me I found the idea intriguing. It felt almost like a lesbian experience in some ways, both of us in sexy dresses, silky stockings and negligees. But as I complied, I felt long suppressed memories surfacing. Memories such as sneaking into my mother’s closest as a very little boy to try on stockings, girdles, bras, and even make-up once. I remember the fear of having applied lipstick and rouge then trying to wipe it off before being caught. And I remember sitting at the dinner table thinking “They know. They can see that I put on make-up” and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Then, not too long after while going through a scrapbook, I found a picture of myself as a with at Halloween. I’m in a blouse, skirt, make-up and pointed hat. From what I can tell of the picture, I look between 4 and 5 years old but I don’t remember it. I did ask my mother about it and she said it was what I wanted, and that I had begged to be a witch that year.

Back to Lili now. As she begins having more outings as Lili, and becomes more confident in who she is, the more she finds her true identity. She identifies more and more with Lili, and less and less with Einar. She even begins talking as if Einar is someone in the past, “Einar is gone”. While I don’t feel that detached, I do sometimes feels as if I have two different people in me. And the more I dress as Denise, the more comfortable and confident that she is just as much a part of my and the more I want her in my life. Does that all make sense my lovelies?

Alas, I’ve had a long day, and it is very late. I must wrap up and get some rest.
Until next time dear readers,
Ciao, Denise

Going out tonight!

January 26, 2016 — 2 Comments

I’m excited! I’m going out tonight! My wife and I are heading to the theater to see the Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander new movie The Danish Girl. It’s the story (loosely based) on the lives of Lili Elbe

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Lili Elbe c. 1926

and her wife Gerda Wegener. Lili was one of the first recipients of gender reassignment surgery and lived most of her life presenting as female. I’m SO looking forward to it. I can’t wait to get home, change, get in my new dress and get all styled up!
If there were time, I’d love to go get a new pair of heels before the show but as it is, I think we’ll barely even have time for dinner. Sigh…

 

But I’ll take it!

Ciao my lovelies,
Denise

Well, last night I talked to my son about my cross dressing. I had been applying my daily wear all weekend without comment from him although, like many co-workers, I caught him staring at me as if trying to figure out what was different. Then Sunday evening we both went to my favorite restaurant where I introduced him to the staff. After J, the hostess, came up to meet him she noticed my manicure with the painted nails. She thought they were totally awesome, asked my where I got them done, and basically fawned all over them.

In short, it was a good night. After all that fuss I decided to talk to my son and come out about Denise, my en-femme personality. It started easy enough by talking about the nails and J’s reaction and comments. Then I said ” I actually go to that restaurant en-femme”.

As expected, his reaction was pretty mild. He said that his philosophy is that “You do what makes you happy, and screw what other people think”. What a good kid.

On another note, for now I’ve found my favorite pair of tights.Legs and tights
What do my lovely readers think?

A fun day today! A few not quite as subtle changes for Friday. To start with, I was out of mascara and got a different brand. Whoa! That created some pretty startling and different lashes. But hey, I went with it. And last night was spa night with for a manicure and much needed pedicure. I was feeling whimsical, and since I’m hosting a poker night, decided to go with more than just my usual clear polish. Results below my lovelies. My coworkers love them!

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