Archives For Experimintation

Well my lovelies, that was fun! I ran home after work, switched out of my “guy clothes” and started getting ready for the movie. It helped that I had worn panties and tights under my jeans all day so all I had to do was pull on my body shaper then apply my make-up and wig, and throw on my heels. I would say I was out of the house in just over 30 minutes and on the road.

The first thing that hit me was that I was hungry with a capital H and that we weren’t going to have time for dinner before the movie. So as I drove through a fast food place for a small sandwich I got a small thrill of ordering as Denise. I placed my order then proceeded to the window and was greeted with a “That will be $5.21 ma’am. Do you need any ketchup”? I felt good.

I made it to my wife’s place about 30 minutes later and she met me in the parking garage. We went up to her apartment so I could giver her the mail and our tax documents which involved walking across the garage to the residence elevator, up two floors, then down two long corridors. Not once was I self-conscious about my appearance. In fact, I felt very confident, and, with my little black clutch in hand, striding with purpose, almost strutting, down the hall, smiling and nodding at passing tenants.

We finished our mail and tax business and just before heading back out, I touched up my lipstick and hair, then back down the hall to the car.

The theater was not very crowded. In fact, there were 3 other couples at the show. But, every one of the staff greeted us “you ladies” or some variant.

Now on to the show. While IMDB said it was fictitious and loosely based on Lili’s life, it did seem pretty accurate and close to what I had read up on her. I won’t go into the details to pick apart the movie (although Eddie Redmayne was again brilliant) but rather, I’d like to point out how in some ways I relate to it and her.

Like Lili, many of my memories seem to have been repressed. The movie shows Einar, pre-transition, often fondling or caressing women’s clothing in various stores or dressing rooms. I have felt that way many times while shopping with my wife or girlfriend or even on other women. While I appreciate and admire how they look in their dresses, skirts, blouses, or shoes I often think “Ooh, I’d like that”, or “I think that would look nice on me”. It’s as much as my appreciation of how it compliments them as it is my desire for it as well. I think the movie captured that longing by Einar as well. But, similar to his real life, those desired never seemed to be acted upon until his wife needed help.

They are both painters with Einar the premier landscape artist and his wife Gerta, is primarily focused on portraits. When the model of one of her paintings cancels at the last-minute she urges Einar to help out by posing in the costume. In the movie, he is at first shy and hesitant, but gets into the role quickly. According to the biography, he is a bit more adamant and reluctant to oblige. Regardless, for him that is the trigger to rekindle long repressed urges and desires (at least that’s how the movie portrays it).

It is similar with me. A woman I dated a few years ago had almost a fetish-like desire to have sex with cross dressing men. When she discussed it with me I found the idea intriguing. It felt almost like a lesbian experience in some ways, both of us in sexy dresses, silky stockings and negligees. But as I complied, I felt long suppressed memories surfacing. Memories such as sneaking into my mother’s closest as a very little boy to try on stockings, girdles, bras, and even make-up once. I remember the fear of having applied lipstick and rouge then trying to wipe it off before being caught. And I remember sitting at the dinner table thinking “They know. They can see that I put on make-up” and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Then, not too long after while going through a scrapbook, I found a picture of myself as a with at Halloween. I’m in a blouse, skirt, make-up and pointed hat. From what I can tell of the picture, I look between 4 and 5 years old but I don’t remember it. I did ask my mother about it and she said it was what I wanted, and that I had begged to be a witch that year.

Back to Lili now. As she begins having more outings as Lili, and becomes more confident in who she is, the more she finds her true identity. She identifies more and more with Lili, and less and less with Einar. She even begins talking as if Einar is someone in the past, “Einar is gone”. While I don’t feel that detached, I do sometimes feels as if I have two different people in me. And the more I dress as Denise, the more comfortable and confident that she is just as much a part of my and the more I want her in my life. Does that all make sense my lovelies?

Alas, I’ve had a long day, and it is very late. I must wrap up and get some rest.
Until next time dear readers,
Ciao, Denise


Going out tonight!

January 26, 2016 — 2 Comments

I’m excited! I’m going out tonight! My wife and I are heading to the theater to see the Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander new movie The Danish Girl. It’s the story (loosely based) on the lives of Lili Elbe


Lili Elbe c. 1926

and her wife Gerda Wegener. Lili was one of the first recipients of gender reassignment surgery and lived most of her life presenting as female. I’m SO looking forward to it. I can’t wait to get home, change, get in my new dress and get all styled up!
If there were time, I’d love to go get a new pair of heels before the show but as it is, I think we’ll barely even have time for dinner. Sigh…


But I’ll take it!

Ciao my lovelies,

Getting up the Nerve

January 18, 2016 — Leave a comment

Deep breaths here. My son just moved back home in order to finish school. Ideally he should be here 2 to 2 and half years. Other than the fact that he is aware of our non-traditional relationship views he, I believe, is quite unaware of my gender fluidity. I’m sure he noticed the manicured and polished nails over the last two days. And, he seemed to look at me rather quizzically at lunch yesterday as if trying to figure out what looked different (I had applied my standard daily wear when I woke up and showered). But, he never asked. And I know it will come out, needs to come out, sooner rather than later. So I’m working up the courage to come out to him.

Wish me luck my lovelies,

The Next Steps

January 14, 2016 — Leave a comment

As I was getting dressed this morning, it dawned on my what my next step would be. Yesterday I wrote about a new earring I wore to work.

This is it to the right. Since it’s a hoop style I actually have to take it off at night before bed, unlike the studs I usually wear, and as such, as I was getting work I kept reminding myself to remember to put on my earring. I was about a block from the house when I realized I had forgotten to put them on and returned back. That’s when it hit me: I need my other ear pierced. I’m sure that won’t quite be as subtle as the other changes I’ve been making. Which brings me to a point I forgot to mention as part of Coming Out Slowly: I’ve also been trimming, plucking and shaping my brows. Genetically I am cursed from both my parents with extremely bushy eyebrows and I’d already been using my Wahl hair clipper to keep them from looking like two giant caterpillars wrestling on my forehead. But about three months ago I began plucking and tweezing to also give them a more feminine look. And I took my time, shaping and thinning just a little each week. I think about a month had gone by before my wife noticed. So there’s that change as well.

New Earring

New Earring

Enough for today my lovelies.

Ciao, Denise!

Coming out slowly

January 14, 2016 — 1 Comment

I have to admit, I have some pretty cool co-workers. I’ll also admit that I’ve been selectively coming out to those I’m fairly confident are open-minded and would have no issue with my non-traditional gender role.

In the 6 months I’ve been transitioning I’ve been making slow, but (somewhat) subtle changes. The daily wear I mentioned in my previous post is just one example. I’ve been applying that level of make-up daily since September. No one has really mentioned or said anything yet I have caught a few stares or lingering looks. When I first began make-up application prior to work, I talked with one co-worker, who is already aware of our non-traditional relationship models, and asked her to be a sort of barometer. What I meant was to gauge how noticeable, if at all, the level of concealer, powder, and mascara was. At that time her response was “I can barely tell that you’re wearing any now. You’re good. I wish I could apply my make-up that subtly”.
After a few weeks, and comfort levels increasing, I stopped asking her and she never said anything. On another occasion, I was talking to my cubicle mate and she sort of paused, stared at me for a few seconds, looking at me rather quizzically. I asked her what was looking at and she replied “Nothing really, you just look a little different today. I can’t put my finger on what it is”. So I told her. She replied that she never would have guessed but that it looked nice and natural.

Beginning mid to late Summer, I started going for a regular manicure and pedicure and showing up to work with neatly trimmed, and very polished nails. I have more comments on that than anything, but always positive. Most women who notice comment they wish their husbands would take care of the hands better. One even was a bit jealous as my nails were shinier than hers. I even went as far as having the stylist paint one nail completely blue with my favorite baseball team’s logo in white lettering on one nail. I kept that for three weeks without comment before it started to chip and I removed it.

Well today, I upped it one more level and came out to another co-worker. I’ve had my ear pierced since I was 18. I mostly wear small, single gem studs. I have an onyx pair, and a Peridot pair of my own, and my wife gave me a larger topaz set and I rotate them weekly. last night I found a pair of thick, silver hoops with an ivy pattern engraved around it. It’s about a half-inch diameter, and about 1/3 inch thick. It’s much more feminine than the others but I wore it to work today. I did get one comment from one of my close male co-workers this morning. He came up to my cube to ask me a question and said “Yo, I gotta question. Whoa, Medicine Man, cool earring”. I definitely didn’t sense any negativity from him. And, not other comments or remarks throughout the day.

And about mid morning is when I came out to another co-worker. She came over to my cube for advice one some code and was complaining that her feet were hurting and that she hated her shoes. I looked down to see that she had on a pair of cute black pumps with a little 1 inch kitten heel. I told her I didn’t see anything out-of-place with them. They didn’t look like the were pinching anywhere, or too loose so I said “you probably would do better with some trouser socks”. She rolled her eyes and told me no, that heels were a pain in her ass and that she hated wearing them. When I asked her why she replied “Wear a pair for 10 minutes and you’ll know why”.

I paused briefly, not sure how to respond. Do I tell her, and let on? Or do I play it off and just say “Yeah, you’re right”. In the end I decided to tell her. I pulled out my phone and found some old pictures of me en-femme, one specifically showing my legs and feet in heels. The same heels I displayed in one of my first posts last summer. As I showed her the pictures I said “These are 3 inch heels missy. I’ve walked up and down the outdoor mall and I go grocery shopping in these”. She gasped and said “Three inches! No way! These little ones kill me, there’s no way I could wear something like that”. I just grinned back and said “Well, they’re not a problem for me which means I still don’t know why you hate them”. She just rolled her eyes, admitted defeat, and said “Then you go and enjoy them, but not me”.

We wound up finishing the business she originally came over for and before she left I stopped and asked “Well, I hope that revelation didn’t freak you out or blow your mind”. She stopped and said “No, not really, we already know you’re weird”. And it was said in a friendly, non-judgmental way so I knew she was at ease. in fact, later in the day we were even joking about and talking about shoes again.

So in the end, yes, another positive coming out experience. I’m still trying to decide what my next move will be. Fell free to comment and give me ideas my lovelies.

Till next time,
Ciao, Denise

Good evening my gentle readers! I think I may have to change my writing schedule in the months to follow if not the entire year. In the past, I’ve utilized lulls during my workday to create my posts but unfortunately, a change in demand for my time and tasks has increased significantly. So now I must use the downtime before repose with which to pen my missives.

Now onto real matters and let me start with daily wear. This is the term that I’m equating with the amount of make-up I apply daily. I’ve mentioned it before but it boils down to concealer, powder, and mascara. Of the former items, I’ve found an ideal blend for my complexion. The concealer is Match Perfection (r) by Rimmel and it’s the 430 medium hue. I start with three small dots on each eye between the lid and the brow, then three dots below the eye making a little triangle about 1/2 inch. Then a drop on the bridge of my nose and four across my forehead, just above the brows. Next I blend outward and away from the nose using a foam wedge proceeding as follows: eye lids, cheeks, nose, forehead. Then comes the powder. For this I use Cover Girl Tru Blend (r) number 2 light, translucent powder applied with a blending brush and work my way down my face. I then finish with my mascara on the top lashes. I must be doing something correctly as I’ve yet to have anyone at work comment .

For after work hours and the weekend days, I add liner and eye shadow to create what I call my enhanced look. I apply this even when I’m in my non-femme clothes and, other than my wife and my girlfriend, have only had one other person comment on it and that is the hostess J and my favorite restaurant. When I add this to my routine, I apply the eye liner immediately following the powder, then I use a small contour brush and apply a bronze or copper-colored shadow to the upper lid, blending it with the liner. In my opinion, it’s still a rather natural look. If not for the eye liner it would barely be noticeable. Of course, for my full en-femme nights, well, that’s another story my lovelies!

Now for the ad-hoc items. Yes, I know, I need some pictures up here! I’ve tried taking some the last few times I’ve dressed out fully but what I see in the mirror and what I see on the phone camera are quite distinct. When I see my reflection in the mirror I see an attractive woman. The selfie generated from the phone is quite the opposite. The reflection appears smooth, even and radiant. The image captured by my phone appears yellowed, almost ghoulish, and seems to magnify every wrinkle and fold. I’ll keep trying though, for you my gentle readers.

One final note before signing off. In my last few posts I’ve use the phrase “en-femme”. I’ve come to discover that I dislike the phrase “in drag”. To me, en-femme feels like it captures my spirit more: I’m feeling feminine, pretty, sexy, me. Drag feels like impersonation, mockery, and unnatural. Does that make sense?

Thanks for listening my lovelies, and pics to come soon (I promise!)

I think gender stereotyping is the word I’m looking for. I went out en-femme again to my favorite restaurant and then to the market for my shopping. Dinner was amazing this week as I didn’t have even the slightest twinge of nervousness. I walked in, sat down at the bar and J and C started chatting with me, and telling me how good I looked. I had a lovely dinner, feeling very confident and sexy! J even said she felt my mannerisms were much more feminine last night than the previous week and she could see the confidence I put forth. I even went on to strike up a conversation with a patron who came in for take-out. It was all comfortable and natural. Then on to the market…

And here, my gentle readers, I must digress to earlier in the day to make my point. I had gone to the market with my wife near her apartment much earlier in the afternoon. I was dressed in my regular male clothes at the time as my wife is still a bit uncomfortable doing “normal things” while en-femme. As we neared the register, my wife excused herself to the ladies room leaving me to fend through the check-out process. I finished paying, the bagger handed me the cart, and off I went. So how is this different from my experience later that night while shopping as Denise?

It started off fine. I made my way to the deli early enough that I was able to get what I needed, And, similar to last week, the deli person addressed me as ma’am. Even the assistant was chatting with me asking if I had tried one of the flavored turkey offerings. They were both lovely and wished me a good evening. And the rest of the shopping trip was uneventful up until the register process. Last week, still feeling a bit nervous being out at the store for the first time, I opted for the self checkout lane. This time, I went through the lane with an attendant. He was pleasant enough, asking if I found everything ok. He finished my order, bagged it, and placed the items in the cart and here is where things changed. I was asked “Would like some assistance to your car with that”?

I politely declined and said I could manage, but as I walked to the car several thoughts raced through my head. The foremost being: As a man earlier, I wasn’t offered assistance, but en-femme, I was. I was both flattered and taken aback. Flattered that I passed well enough to be thought of as a woman, but then floored to be on the receiving end of a chauvinistic, misogynistic, view that “women need help with bags”. And, I’m a big girl to boot. With heels I’m 6’4″ and close to 250 pounds. Do I even look like I need assistance?

So now I’m very curious how I would be treated in other situations, like at work? Are people’s attitudes so ingrained that if I transitioned fully, would my co-workers begin to defer decisions to male co-workers? I am in a middle management position, I manage several developers, and I’m in a decision-making role at director level but without the title. Would my recommendations then be taken with a grain of salt? Would I become limited by the glass ceiling? Would my male co-workers discount my opinions and recommendations because they see me a female despite 20 years experience in my technical field? It has given me a lot to think about and empathize with women who have been under this mindset for ages.

Ciao my lovelies,

A New Year, A New Me

January 4, 2016 — Leave a comment

First off, let me apologize for the lack of posts over the last few months as life got in the way significantly. But, that’s what a New Year is about, starting afresh. And, mine started off rather positively!

I stopped at a big box retailer to get some items for the kittens (yes, I got kittens about 6 weeks ago) and on my way to the register I passed the women’s section of the department store. There were some lovely sweater dresses and I’ve needed something that actually fits and flatters my body. I found one at a reasonable price and figured if it didn’t work out I could always return it. I picked out a pretty, and elegant, charcoal grey, cable knit sweater dress. It was just calling my name! Oh, and I also found a little clutch to go with it. After all, it doesn’t make sense to go out in a cute, sexy dress and carry a man-wallet.

It fit well and once I added my control top pantyhose and Spanx tummy flattener it looked amazing! And that’s where things took a turn. I was getting hungry and needed to get something to eat but since I had spent a bit of effort getting everything on I didn’t want to take it all off and redress. So I decided to go out. Yikes!

I did my makeup and nails, transferred my license, credit card and some cash to the clutch and took off to my favorite restaurant for a margarita and maybe a little food. When I arrived the place looked a little empty much to my relief because I wasn’t sure I could handle a big crowd. But when I pulled up, I noticed the bar had several people sitting at it and I freaked out. So I backed out and drove around the shopping center, pulled into an empty parking space to calm myself down. While there I checked my hair and make-up, took a few deep breaths then headed back to the restaurant. As I pulled up I still saw several people at the bar but I also noticed my favorite waitress “J” which helped calm me. Since the place was nearly empty I decided I’d take a booth and hope that the “J” would help ease my nervousness.

The butterflies in my stomach were on overdrive as I swayed into the restaurant. J was in her usual “Welcome, how many are there tonight” greeting when she recognized me and her face lit up. “Oh, welcome back, you look amazing!” That really helped a lot. She asked if I was going to sit at the bar but I told her maybe a booth tonight as there were others already sitting there and I was nervous.

J handed me the menu and took my drink order then went back to the hostess stand. As I was taking my bite of the chips and salsa, one of the waiters I know well “A” came over to check on me and as he approached, recognized me and said “Happy New Year, amigo, how you doing? I almost didn’t recognize you. You look great!”. I was totally surprised at this but felt the nervousness ease even more. And the night kept getting better. The bartender, “C” brought my margarita and sat down across from me. “Feliz años nuevo amigo, como esta? Why aren’t you sitting at the bar tonight?” I explained my nervousness about the others at the bar but he told me nonsense, come on up.

So I moved to the bar, sipping on my margarita, lightly munching on the chips and salsa while waiting on my food. That’s when the night reached its peak. J and the owner’s granddaughter came over and sat in the chair next to me and the little girl reached up and said “I like how you did your hair tonight”. I was floored. I expected “Are you a boy, or a girl?” I expected confusion. But she seemed totally at ease. It was amazing! I felt pretty! I felt sexy! I felt accepted!

But the night didn’t end there. I closed down the place and was about to head home when I realized I still needed to get some items from the market. So I changed course and did some shopping for my weekly meals. I grabbed a cart, put my clutch in the basket and took off. I didn’t seem to get any unusual stares but I wasn’t paying attention. I was being in the moment, just being some woman out shopping. After making my way through produce I stopped at the deli counter. Since it was late I wasn’t sure they were still open so I asked the attendant. Her response helped boost my attitude: “I’m sorry ma’am, the deli closed 5 minutes ago, we’ve already started cleaning the equipment”. Wait, she called me ma’am? How exciting!

I slowed my walk a bit as I pushed the cart through the store, getting sassier as I shopped, swaying my hips a bit more. Several other employees also greeted me with ma’am after asking questions, and I even got several polite good evening’s from other shoppers. What a totally positive experience!

The only thing that marred the night was when I got home. As I was carry the bags from the car I felt something weird with one of my pumps. My first thought was that I had broken the tip off the heel. I unloaded the groceries and went to the bedroom to get a better look at it. That’s when I realized the heel had actually broken about an inch up. It was still wrapped in the leather but instead of pointing straight down it was bent forward at about a 30 degree angle. I tried to see if I could straighten it but it had also pulled the sole away from the heel. So time for some new shoes. Lucky me!

I think I’m finally getting the hang of it. The foundation portion is pretty solid now. I can get my concealer, foundation and powder on evenly, smoothly and quickly. It’s the eyeliner that has taken some work and a lot of patience but I think I’m at a point where it’s consistent. Here are some samples of the last 2 days practicing. What do you think? (Yeah, my hair is a bit messy in the second damnit!). Oh, and after the full make-up with the blue eyes, I felt so sexy! I definitely felt like I was passable!

Green Eyes Blue Eyes

Until next time,
Ciao my lovelies!

Baby Steps

August 14, 2015 — 2 Comments

An interesting night last night that carried over into this morning. My girlfriend and I had a talk about my desire to dress and her comfort level around it. While she’s been at least generally accepting of it there’s still been a bit of unease. Part of it is that is because she says that what she finds attractive about me is my “manliness” and it’s hard for her to wrap her head around this other side of me.

We then spent the evening discussing ways to see if she could be more comfortable around me dressing. Part of, we agreed, is familiarity. When we first started dating I was open about it and that I did it. At that time I had been shaving my legs and chest for some time so that was how she got to know me. It was weird for her, but she got to where it was “normal”.
When I started using clear polish on my nails several months ago, it was a bit of a shock to her at first, but again, it is becoming “normal”.

And, I did get the chance to fully dress for her back in July and it wasn’t a complete turn-off for her. So in the end, we talked about me being more “out” around the house in order for her to gain that familiarity. Therefore, my (or our) goal is to dress more, wear make-up more often. Do things we normally do around the house except dressed and in make-up. And that includes being myself and doing things like hugging her, kissing her, cuddling on the couch, all while dressed.

And, to make good on our agreement, as I was in the mood to do so, I told her I was going to wear make-up to work today (my usual minimal, natural look). I showered, got dressed and applied the concealer, foundation, powder, and mascara and then “reveled” myself. I guess I did a good job with the natural look because she said “I honestly can’t tell you have it on”. Only looking close could she tell I was even wearing mascara. She also commented on how fast it was. When I came upstairs she said “Did you already put make-up on”? Of course, I had showered, shaved, dressed and applied make-up. Her comment was that it usually takes her an hour. I guess it does help to go minimal 🙂

Well my lovelies, I need to wrap this up.
Till next time,