Archives For Crossdressing

Good evening bitches! How is everyone tonight? This gurl is feeling fabulous, sassy, and confident!

A few nights ago I wrote about body image and how I have been unhappy with myself lately. Well, I think tonight (or this weekend in general) was a turning point.

I guess it really started Saturday morning when I woke up feeling particularly… how should I say this… “girly”. I had an appointment for my manicure and I really, really, really, wanted to dress up and go to the salon as Denise. But I was feeling too ugly and fat. So while I didn’t go fully dressed, I did go with a bit more than my “daily wear” make-up. I did full winged eyeliner, a medium blue shadow for my lids, and an orange and bronze blend from the lids up. And, I even wore a bit of lipstick: my favourite “Champagne on  Ice” nude shade. It felt good. Really good.

With all that going on, my girlfriend as supposed to meet me at the salon. However, long story short, between a last-minute family obligation, and then not feeling well, she couldn’t make it. That left me with the afternoon to myself. I was really liking my new nails, and I felt like did a smashing job blending my eye shadows, and was feeling really good.

First, I donned my wig. I was curious with the make-up contouring and blending how everything would look. I was rather pleased and was wanting more (based on my mood when I woke up). As I needed to take care of a few chores around my flat, it was then I decided to just say “fuck it” with the body image (it WAS a Saturday afternoon and all).

I pulled on my favorite panties, then pantyhose, a skirt, blouse, and my heels and became Denise for the afternoon. It felt really good. And I was happy for a few hours. I felt like me regardless of my body image.

Then back to reality as my girlfriend was heading over and we were going to a ballroom dance and I needed to transition back (I did keep most of the make-up on 🙂 ). So for the next 24 hours or so I was back to my masculine representation. That is, until this evening.

I met my good friend K at my local watering hole while watching American football. We had a really good conversation around changes in our lives. And, K has met me as Denise and D (that’s the gender non-specific name I introduce myself as), so she knows the things I’m going through. And we talked about the body image issues I’m dealing with and how I want to change. And she was very positive and supportive.

We chatted a bit more and I finally left for my flat. But, once home, I was stronger in my feeling to be Denise so I changed. And for some reason, got really sassy and flirty.

So I took the selfie (today’s featured image) and sent it to K asking her opinion. Her response made my night! “Omg girl!!! You look amazing! Look at those lips!”.

The most important one she sent “I’ve known you for 6 months and seen you as Denise once. And I’ve always felt that D is not the real you. THIS is the real you and you’re amazing!”

And that started a long text discussion that, with her support, has encouraged me to be the real me. She’s the first person I ever used the word “trans” to describe myself. And, she used it tonight to describe me. And she told me “Since the day I first saw you in that dress, I knew that’s who you were supposed to be”.

It’s funny hearing it from someone else. But yes, I need to start being who I’m supposed to be.

Ciao my lovely bitches,
denise

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Just a fun post today my bitches! I decided to work on that sexy eye look this morning and was pleased with the outcome. as I pulled into the office 20170111_082105and checked my rear-view mirror while backing up, I caught my eyes in the reflection. Not bad! And that’s when I realized that “all the girls” have that “car selfie”. So I paused and took one. The picture itself really isn’t that good. It’s too dark and grainy. But, with a bit of my laptop’s photo editor… Well, see for yourself.

Along with that, here’s one a took tonight. 20170111_210742I hope everyone can see the liner and shadow.

That’s all for now… Ta ta and Ciao bitches…
denise

Body Image

January 11, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening bitches, I’m back for another round. First off, a warm thanks to all who are viewing and reading my thoughts. I hope that I am enlightening and/or entertaining you.

Now, on to tonight’s topic: body image. Or, I should say: my body image. When I say that, I am not talking about the “Girls need to be size 2, thigh gap, fat-shaming” we see portrayed in magazines and fashion articles. What I am talking about is what I see, or feel, or think about myself when I close my eyes at night, or look in the mirror in the morning.

What I see is not me. And, it makes me unhappy often times. I do not like the image my body presents to me in the mirror. The images that swirl in my brain behind closed eyes at night,  consist of shoulder brunette length hair,  a hint of red, curled around soft, feminine cheek bones.I see dark, smoldering eyes peering out from underneath my bangs. I see smooth, high cheek bones, a narrow jaw line, and no jowls. I see the face of an attractive, forty-something woman. At least that’s what my my brain is showing me.

Then I wake up and look in the mirror and that is not what I see. My reflection disappoints with the look of stubbly whiskers, a receding hairline, and droopy jowls. It’s the antithesis of the attractive woman in my mind.

I can fix some things. For instance, I can create the smoldering, sexy eyes. I can give the illusion of the smooth, high cheek bones. But I feel it’s all just a mockery that’s covering up what’s underneath. But still, I do what I can to work towards the image that resides in my mind.

But, with all that, there’s the rest of my body. The other images conjured up by my brain are a thinner, more fit woman. I’m not suggesting that I want to look like a model off the runway in Paris. I’m talking about a healthy, average, body weight woman. And, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that’s how I should look because “society says I should look like that”. For example, the few outfits I do own are a size 20 or above, XXL or larger. The woman I see myself as would be happy with a size 14 to 16 pencil skirt, or dress. That’s just how my mind envisions what I should look like. That’s what I see in my sleep.

Is that wrong of me to want that? To want to see what my bind is showing me?

 

Random Tidbits

January 3, 2017 — Leave a comment

Happy New Year bitches! I hope everyone’s 2017 is starting off on the rights foot.

It’s been a bit of a slow start for yours truly here, but fun and interesting.
For starters, I kinda got hit on, or flirted with by a waiter New Year’s Day. My girlfriend and I had gone for our spa day (aka, nails, see right) so that we’d be sparkly and
shiny for New Year’s Eve (which turned out to be a bust).20170102_212409
After waking up on the 1st, we decided we needed some black-eyed peas for our good luck, and decided to go to lunch. While at the restaurant, the waiter commented on my nails saying “oooh, I really like your nails!”

He is the first male to ever make a comment, which was nice. As lunch progressed, my girlfriend noticed that whenever he came to the table, he always seemed to address me rather than my girlfriend, or both of us. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t weird or creepy. I was a bit flattered. And it’s not the first time I’ve been hit on by a guy. The first was in college a long time ago, in a university far, far away.

I was at a frat party and a guy came on to me. I knew he was openly gay back then and, not being the type to judge, I told him thanks, I’m flattered, but no, I’m not into guys. He was cool about it, thanked me for not freaking out and getting all homophobic on him, and we both went our separate ways at the party. Because we were both in band, we saw each other frequently and, in my recollection, we were both cool about that night. Now fast forward 20+ years, and here I am getting flirted up by another guy. To be fair, I have changed just a tiny bit ;).

The other interesting occurrence was this evening as I was doing my weekly shopping to fill my pantry and larder (aka grocery shopping for my US readers). I’d been pretty much relaxing and doing chores around my flat for most of the day but that hadn’t stopped me from applying my “daily wear”. Hey, a gurl needs to look good at all times, am I right bitches? And, for someone like me, even if I don’t go out, it’s like practice 🙂

Anyway, I did need to go to the store as my fridge and pantry were practically empty. So fast forward to the end as I’m checking out and the cute, young cashier looked at me as she was scanning my items and commented “Oooh, I like your eyeliner! You do it better than me!” We then struck up  conversation around technique and how to apply liner. She even pulled out her phone to show me some selfies of some liner techniques she had tried. So, score another one for this gurl bitches!

Well, that’s all for tonight. I need to crawl into bed for my beauty sleep and my return to the workforce tomorrow.

Ciao my lovelies,

denise

Here we are bitches, one day closer to Christmas. And Sandra Claus is coming to town!

Actually, I’m a bit toned down this weekend as I’m a bit outside my comfort zone. I’m in Texas to visit family and most of them have no clue about my life outside of their little bubble. However, it’s not my family I’m concerned about as the rest of the people I encounter. Why?

Texas is one of the few “bathroom bill” states. A state where if a person isn’t straight, white, and married then you must be a pervert, deranged, mentally unfit, or just “gay” (you know, that derogatory “That’s just gay” attitude).

In general, I honestly don’t care what people think. Everyone has a right to their beliefs and opinions. But in Texas it seems like people who believe and live differently than your’s truly here, not only do not share the “live and let live” philosophy, but

  1. Want to force people to believe that their thought’s, belief’s, opinion’s are correct
  2. Think that anyone outside their belief system is “sick”, or “needs Jesus”, or is “going to hell”

Thus laws like bathroom bills (thankfully voted down). In this forward thinking state the bill would have required people to use bathrooms associated with the gender on their birth certificate. Besides being (in this writer’s personal opinion) a bit backwards, it’s also a bit creepy. For example, how were they to enforce it? Would the state or local municipalities hire extra personnel to check birth certificates and have people pull down their unmentionables to check genitalia? “I’m sorry ma’am, even though you appear to be female and have what appears to be a vagina, your birth certificate says male. Therefore, you’re in violation and are under immediate arrest”.

There have been actual elected officials (mayors, senators, sheriffs to name a few) who have publicly stated they would “beat up”, “shoot”, “kill” any “pervert attempting to use the wrong bathroom”.

Thus my trepidation my (not-so) gentle readers. 20161224_164455I’ve toned down my make-up to just basic daily wear: That is foundation, concealer, powder, and a nude, natural lipstick. (FYI, it’s Revlon’s Champagne on Ice, 205).

More importantly, it’s my nails. I go with my girlfriend every few weeks or so for manis and pedis. Since I am a bit hard on nails and chip the crap out of them just by looking I’ve switched to shellac’s. And this week I went with a heat sensitive, color changing shellac so it’s quite obvious.

20161224_165909

Warm color

20161224_164534

Cold color

Overall, I just go about my business and act natural. I feel like if a person is self conscious, draws attention with their nervousness, that it actually attracts more attention.But, I am on-guard end keep my eyes and ears peeled just in case.

Enough for now my lovelies! Happy Christmas Eve, Happy first day of Hanukkah my lovelies.

Ciao, denise

Merry Christmas Bitches!

December 24, 2016 — Leave a comment

Well, almost, but close enough! Who’s ready for Sandra Claus? (Snickers)

This girl for one! I know it’s been almost a month (I know, I’ve been bad),  since the “exciting weekend” but not a lot has been going on other than working my ass off. Unfortunately my ass isn’t showing the reward.

But, here we are on Christmas Eve, Eve. Other than work nothing really exciting has been going on. My girlfriend though has been impressed with my make-up skills so she’s been asking me to do things for her. For one, she dressed as a Christmas Elf for her office party and asked me for help there. It was my first time putting make-up on anyone else so I went over the night before and practiced, tried different looks, until we found one she liked. We went with the “Frozen” look: Icy blue eye shadow with winged eyeliner, and a glittery-white top coat for sparkle.

As for me, I’ve just been practicing a lot, and even going for the full effect look. And, I think I’ve found my colors for my “day look”.20161223_224012
This is a bit more evening wear as I’m using the grey eye shadow. The main difference is for work it’s a bit more clean. That is, a lighter version of the orange shadow with a thinner eye liner. Several of my female co-workers have commented that they think it’s a fresher look.

I also downloaded the Mary Kay app for my phone just to play with different looks. This one is actually closer to my daily wear now and other than earrings and lip gloss, that’s all my own make-up, and my wig, all applied by me.
20161213_215929
I now I’m liking it 🙂 What do YOU think my lovelies?

Ciao, and have a wonderful Christmas!
Denise

 

Oh, P.S….

I promise I’ll write more!

An Exciting Weekend

November 29, 2016 — Leave a comment

Yes, bitches, I am back! And this girl is sassy!

As I mentioned in my previous post the last year has been one of change. While there has been a lot of negative energy in it, there has also been a lot of really good energy as well. Aside from my divorce, the last few months have been extremely positive.

For one, my workplace has been very supportive. Look at the ways I’ve been experimenting and, yes, even wearing different shades of shadow and eyeliner to work.

20161127_221643 20161127_211330 20161102_212722 20161020_082845

It doesn’t seem to matter what I wear to work, how I “express myself”. Each day I arrive I am treated no different from last week, last month, last year. The team members I lead, manage, and mentor treat me with the same respect and courtesy they always have. I lead meetings, I get questions, I’m asked to help them out. Based on my skills, experience, and knowledge in my field, I am no different to my co-workers no matter how I show up to work. I have amazing fucking co-workers at an amazing fucking company bitches!

And, it gets even better my lovelies! Last weekend I attended Drag Queen Christmas (with members of Ru Paul’s Drag Race Season 8 contestants) with my girlfriend. You got that right!

I had asked her earlier this month if she would like to go and how she felt if I attended en femme. Her response was “Sure! I’d LOVE to!”

As the day drew near and we made plans, I told her 1) I need to get new heels. I broke one of my 3″ black pumps not long ago and while I could manage, walking around for several hours, downtown, up and down stairs was not that appealing. I also needed to figure out what to wear, what fit, and what looked good so I asked her if she’d help me pick out an outfit. And,I asked her if she wanted to get a make-over with me! Oh yeah, I went there bitches! (Besides, what girl DOESN’T want a make-over, right?)

So Friday, she said “Why don’t you come over today with all your outfits and let’s play dress-up?”.
OK girls, who just got excited about THAT? THIS girl did!

I packed my “go-bag” with 2 dresses, a black pencil skirt, and several blouses, and my wig. I tossed in 2 pair of tights, panties, and my broke ass pumps. (A girl needs SOMETHING to wear while shopping. Am I right?)

First I tried on the pencil skirt and the blouses. I just love, love, LOVE that skirt! The first blouse was a just a little tight but not bad. It wound up choice number 2. The second blouse was just too damn tight and not flattering at all so then I switched to the dresses. As it’s cold out, I had picked 2 different cable-knit sweater dresses. One, charcoal grey, the other a burgundy. The former is pretty much an A-line dress with a heavy, knit pattern. The latter flares out more at the knees (see right).
red-sweater-dress And that’s the one we chose for the show.

As it’s getting late and this post is getting long-winded, I’m going to fast-forward a bit to Saturday. We both got dressed and headed for our make-over. While at the salon I found a pair of black kitten heels that fit and added them to our purchase. We went to check-in to our hotel a few blocks from the show and I’m thinking “I’m dressed and I need to show photo id, and credit card when we get to the hotel. I wonder how that will play out”. Turns out, it was not an issue. I walked up to the guest counter and said “checking in”. They asked my last name, and said “Oh, we see you checked in online. We have your room ready… What do we call you?”

I assumed they were asking my name so I told them. The desk agent looked at me and said “No, how would you like us to address you? Do you have a name or gender preference?”

As it registered what he was asking, my face lit up and I replied “Oh, I go by D. Just the initial!”

“That’s perfect D! We’ll put that in your file for future reference. Here’s your room key and enjoy your stay!”

Wow!

And, the night just kept getting better. H (my girlfriend) and  I put on some finishing touches then headed for our dinner reservation. By then, I was elated! It was about a 4 block walk to the restaurant and theater along the city’s very popular downtown, open air mall. And I did not give a flying fuck! I had my sashay and swagger on bitches! I had my runway walk on point! It was like a 4 block walk off! I had my little black clutch in one hand, H’s hand in my other, I was strutting my ass and legs all the way down that mother fucking street!

Then, as dinner was drawing to a close and the waiter brings us our check, he looks at me and asked “So, are you the entertainment for tonight?”

It took me a minute but then it hit me: He thought I was part of the show! Damn! Did I really look THAT hot? Was I that on-point with everything? H summed it up fairly nicely. She said “It’s your confidence. You’re practically radiating it. I’ve known you for over three years and while this side is new to me, and this almost feels like a first date, I like it. You’re being you. You’re authentic. And people see that.”

Soon after we paid the check, left the restaurant, and headed for the show. By then, it was almost anti-climactic. Don’t get me wrong, the show was just fabulous. But it just couldn’t compare to the events leading up to it.

Well my lovelies, my bitches, my not-so-gentle readers, it is late and I need my beauty sleep. I shall return soon, I promise! Until then,

ciao,
denise

Bitches, I’m Back!

November 24, 2016 — Leave a comment

Yes, I’m back bitches! I may seem a little sassy right now but it’s been a whirlwind year and I feel I’ve earned it. And by whirlwind, I mean overall it has had some major downs but thing are looking up.

To start with, just over a year ago I lost my youngest grandson. He had an accident in the tub and passed away 10 days after his first birthday. I won’t go into the details but suffice it to say I lost between 3 and 4 months of my life. I honestly don’t know where they went. They are gone. I have a faint, foggy memory of Christmas but November, December, and January don’t seem to have existed. I look back on the last time I blogged and don’t remember writing anything in January but I see the evidence. But, as I started coming out of my grief and fog in February I realized I needed to change my life. I needed to be authentic and true to myself. And that’s when the next changes started.

I began talking with my wife about how this was not the life I wanted. I knew it wasn’t the life she wanted either. We had been living in an open relationship lifestyle for about 5 years but it wasn’t really working out. Aside from my gender fluidity, I had come to realize that I am really not wired for monogamy. That doesn’t mean I can’t love someone for a long time, or the rest of my life, but that they aren’t going to be the only person I love in a romantic or sexual manner. And, with everything I had learned, I began to change my philosophy and ideas around marriage. That is: Why do people need a certificate, or license, to prove they love each other and are committed to each other? Why can’t you just love each other and take care of each other, be there for one another, and support each other? Why do you have to share finances, a house, a car, etc just to say “we love each other and we’re married?” She, on the other hand, decided she needed that stability, that “paper document”, and everything else that comes with a marriage. She wanted the “status quo”, the identity of being a married couple and all the privileges granted to it. And that while she believed in open relationships and polyamory in theory, I believe she looked at her parent’s 50 plus years of marriage and saw that as the ultimate goal and achievement and couldn’t reconcile the two. In the end, we talked about it like mature adults and each decided that live the remainder of our lives as friends and to pursue our happiness along separate paths. We sold the house, paid off all our debt, divided the remainder, then filed for divorce ourselves.

All along the way, I began making changes to my life based on what I felt was being authentic to myself. I had never stopped wearing make-up to work but I became a bit more bold. Aside from the daily wear I had been using (foundation, concealer, powder, and mascara) I started adding eye shadow as well. It was usually something very subtle like a copper or bronze. I also began tweezing my brows a little more, shaping and thinning them.

At the same time, I had gotten back with my girlfriend (we had broken up right about the time our grandson died but that’s another story) and I began going to the salon with her for a manicure. At first I was just getting a basic treatment with trimmed nails and cuticles, and clear polish. Then she suggested I try something decorative for my index finger. I had aces done for my poker league, then a Lord of the Rings design. Around August I decided to go with a design based on Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”: A black nail with the prism and rainbow. The nail artist misunderstood and instead of just painting one nail, did it across all of them. I was too embarrassed to tell her “No, I only wanted it on one nail” so I went with it. Other than all black (or mostly black) I really liked it. So the next trip I found and went with a metallic, charcoal grey. Then a 3-D Halloween design, to what I’m wearing now: heat sensitive, color-changing shellac in a light mauve to deep eggplant purple tones.

And all while I’m making these changes, I’m adding more bold shadows, and even liner to my daily wear. A co-worker and I created “winged eyeliner Thursday” where we see what kinds of cute and interesting designs we can make with eyeliner. It’s fun and I’m enjoying my life. I feel I am able to express who I truly am now.

I know this is a lot to drop on my lovelies, my bitches, my not so gentle readers, but I have to start somewhere. Look forward to more posts soon including pics of what I’ve learned to do in the last year. And aside from my life, there’s the whole word on fire too with anti-LGBTQ fear and uncertainty. I’ll cover that too.

But for now, goodnight my lovelies. Until next time…
Ciao, Denise

New Wintry Day Tights

February 2, 2016 — 2 Comments

It’s a cold, very snow day here so trying my new tights today. I LOVE ’em!
Of course, they’re covering a nice pair of black and pink boy shorts panties
that you can’t see 😉 And unfortunately, with almost a foot of snow,
can’t wear the heels. Later though!20160201_072424

Well my lovelies, that was fun! I ran home after work, switched out of my “guy clothes” and started getting ready for the movie. It helped that I had worn panties and tights under my jeans all day so all I had to do was pull on my body shaper then apply my make-up and wig, and throw on my heels. I would say I was out of the house in just over 30 minutes and on the road.

The first thing that hit me was that I was hungry with a capital H and that we weren’t going to have time for dinner before the movie. So as I drove through a fast food place for a small sandwich I got a small thrill of ordering as Denise. I placed my order then proceeded to the window and was greeted with a “That will be $5.21 ma’am. Do you need any ketchup”? I felt good.

I made it to my wife’s place about 30 minutes later and she met me in the parking garage. We went up to her apartment so I could giver her the mail and our tax documents which involved walking across the garage to the residence elevator, up two floors, then down two long corridors. Not once was I self-conscious about my appearance. In fact, I felt very confident, and, with my little black clutch in hand, striding with purpose, almost strutting, down the hall, smiling and nodding at passing tenants.

We finished our mail and tax business and just before heading back out, I touched up my lipstick and hair, then back down the hall to the car.

The theater was not very crowded. In fact, there were 3 other couples at the show. But, every one of the staff greeted us “you ladies” or some variant.

Now on to the show. While IMDB said it was fictitious and loosely based on Lili’s life, it did seem pretty accurate and close to what I had read up on her. I won’t go into the details to pick apart the movie (although Eddie Redmayne was again brilliant) but rather, I’d like to point out how in some ways I relate to it and her.

Like Lili, many of my memories seem to have been repressed. The movie shows Einar, pre-transition, often fondling or caressing women’s clothing in various stores or dressing rooms. I have felt that way many times while shopping with my wife or girlfriend or even on other women. While I appreciate and admire how they look in their dresses, skirts, blouses, or shoes I often think “Ooh, I’d like that”, or “I think that would look nice on me”. It’s as much as my appreciation of how it compliments them as it is my desire for it as well. I think the movie captured that longing by Einar as well. But, similar to his real life, those desired never seemed to be acted upon until his wife needed help.

They are both painters with Einar the premier landscape artist and his wife Gerta, is primarily focused on portraits. When the model of one of her paintings cancels at the last-minute she urges Einar to help out by posing in the costume. In the movie, he is at first shy and hesitant, but gets into the role quickly. According to the biography, he is a bit more adamant and reluctant to oblige. Regardless, for him that is the trigger to rekindle long repressed urges and desires (at least that’s how the movie portrays it).

It is similar with me. A woman I dated a few years ago had almost a fetish-like desire to have sex with cross dressing men. When she discussed it with me I found the idea intriguing. It felt almost like a lesbian experience in some ways, both of us in sexy dresses, silky stockings and negligees. But as I complied, I felt long suppressed memories surfacing. Memories such as sneaking into my mother’s closest as a very little boy to try on stockings, girdles, bras, and even make-up once. I remember the fear of having applied lipstick and rouge then trying to wipe it off before being caught. And I remember sitting at the dinner table thinking “They know. They can see that I put on make-up” and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Then, not too long after while going through a scrapbook, I found a picture of myself as a with at Halloween. I’m in a blouse, skirt, make-up and pointed hat. From what I can tell of the picture, I look between 4 and 5 years old but I don’t remember it. I did ask my mother about it and she said it was what I wanted, and that I had begged to be a witch that year.

Back to Lili now. As she begins having more outings as Lili, and becomes more confident in who she is, the more she finds her true identity. She identifies more and more with Lili, and less and less with Einar. She even begins talking as if Einar is someone in the past, “Einar is gone”. While I don’t feel that detached, I do sometimes feels as if I have two different people in me. And the more I dress as Denise, the more comfortable and confident that she is just as much a part of my and the more I want her in my life. Does that all make sense my lovelies?

Alas, I’ve had a long day, and it is very late. I must wrap up and get some rest.
Until next time dear readers,
Ciao, Denise