Yes, I’m back bitches! I may seem a little sassy right now but it’s been a whirlwind year and I feel I’ve earned it. And by whirlwind, I mean overall it has had some major downs but thing are looking up.
To start with, just over a year ago I lost my youngest grandson. He had an accident in the tub and passed away 10 days after his first birthday. I won’t go into the details but suffice it to say I lost between 3 and 4 months of my life. I honestly don’t know where they went. They are gone. I have a faint, foggy memory of Christmas but November, December, and January don’t seem to have existed. I look back on the last time I blogged and don’t remember writing anything in January but I see the evidence. But, as I started coming out of my grief and fog in February I realized I needed to change my life. I needed to be authentic and true to myself. And that’s when the next changes started.
I began talking with my wife about how this was not the life I wanted. I knew it wasn’t the life she wanted either. We had been living in an open relationship lifestyle for about 5 years but it wasn’t really working out. Aside from my gender fluidity, I had come to realize that I am really not wired for monogamy. That doesn’t mean I can’t love someone for a long time, or the rest of my life, but that they aren’t going to be the only person I love in a romantic or sexual manner. And, with everything I had learned, I began to change my philosophy and ideas around marriage. That is: Why do people need a certificate, or license, to prove they love each other and are committed to each other? Why can’t you just love each other and take care of each other, be there for one another, and support each other? Why do you have to share finances, a house, a car, etc just to say “we love each other and we’re married?” She, on the other hand, decided she needed that stability, that “paper document”, and everything else that comes with a marriage. She wanted the “status quo”, the identity of being a married couple and all the privileges granted to it. And that while she believed in open relationships and polyamory in theory, I believe she looked at her parent’s 50 plus years of marriage and saw that as the ultimate goal and achievement and couldn’t reconcile the two. In the end, we talked about it like mature adults and each decided that live the remainder of our lives as friends and to pursue our happiness along separate paths. We sold the house, paid off all our debt, divided the remainder, then filed for divorce ourselves.
All along the way, I began making changes to my life based on what I felt was being authentic to myself. I had never stopped wearing make-up to work but I became a bit more bold. Aside from the daily wear I had been using (foundation, concealer, powder, and mascara) I started adding eye shadow as well. It was usually something very subtle like a copper or bronze. I also began tweezing my brows a little more, shaping and thinning them.
At the same time, I had gotten back with my girlfriend (we had broken up right about the time our grandson died but that’s another story) and I began going to the salon with her for a manicure. At first I was just getting a basic treatment with trimmed nails and cuticles, and clear polish. Then she suggested I try something decorative for my index finger. I had aces done for my poker league, then a Lord of the Rings design. Around August I decided to go with a design based on Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”: A black nail with the prism and rainbow. The nail artist misunderstood and instead of just painting one nail, did it across all of them. I was too embarrassed to tell her “No, I only wanted it on one nail” so I went with it. Other than all black (or mostly black) I really liked it. So the next trip I found and went with a metallic, charcoal grey. Then a 3-D Halloween design, to what I’m wearing now: heat sensitive, color-changing shellac in a light mauve to deep eggplant purple tones.
And all while I’m making these changes, I’m adding more bold shadows, and even liner to my daily wear. A co-worker and I created “winged eyeliner Thursday” where we see what kinds of cute and interesting designs we can make with eyeliner. It’s fun and I’m enjoying my life. I feel I am able to express who I truly am now.
I know this is a lot to drop on my lovelies, my bitches, my not so gentle readers, but I have to start somewhere. Look forward to more posts soon including pics of what I’ve learned to do in the last year. And aside from my life, there’s the whole word on fire too with anti-LGBTQ fear and uncertainty. I’ll cover that too.
But for now, goodnight my lovelies. Until next time…