Archives For April 2017

Hi there my bitches. I hope everyone is doing well. Overall, I am too, but I AM one tired girl here. And I think my life is about to become a little more chaotic. From a practical standpoint it is looking like I will be expanding the circle and coming out to more people sooner rather than later thanks to social media.

It started about two weeks ago. Everything has been going well at work, and everyone all the way up to the CEO has been more than supportive. But one of the roles I carry out is that of hiring manager. And, as such, I work with many professional recruiters in my area.

First came the emails. Since the only thing that changed was my display name, recruiting companies can still reach me using my old email address (my male persona name begins with D as well). Therefore I ‘d get “Hello D—. I’m So-And-So with Company X and we’re looking at how we can help you in your staffing needs” or something along that line. Which, when I reply they get my new display name: Denise. To their credit, the recruiters have rolled with the change as smoothly as my company.

But then the phone calls started. Not just recruiters, but vendors that I work with. And, like my email, my phone number hasn’t changed either and I answer “Hello, this is Denise”. There’s usually a short pause followed by “Oh, I’m sorry, I was trying to reach D—“. I explain that they have the correct number and ask the nature of the call. In the end, I usually have them email me, and we repeat the steps above.

And where that grey area really starts to blend is social media. With new recruiters or vendors, their first action after initiating communication (and before emailing) is to add me on linked in. And my LinkedIn profile is still my male persona D—.

It really wouldn’t be difficult for me to update my LinkedIn profile. However, this is more of that grey area as between 10% and 20% of my LinkedIn contacts are also friends on Facebook. I could possibly change my LinkedIn profile without impacting other social media but I’m not highly optimistic that I wouldn’t be accidentally outed. So it seems that I’m going to have to make changes both places. And that means talking to my family in another state. While I’m not ashamed to be out, and I’m proud of who I am, talking to a few members of my family won’t be easy. And, similar to my work situation last March, I’d like to make it as seamless as possible and minimize “disruption” and the “shock and awe” phenomena.

I do have a private Facebook page for Denise, so one avenue would be to close down “D—‘s” page, and just add friends to my other page. Of course, that lends itself to others still finding out through “friends you may know”. I’m still pondering my options. But first, the chat with my mom, my kids, and a few close friends.

With me luck my bitches!

Ciao,
denise

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More Changes?

April 9, 2017 — Leave a comment

Hello my bitches, yes, it’s been a few days since my last post. I’ve finished my 3rd week full-time as Denise and I haven’t been happier. That said, now that I’m full-time, I’m wondering “Is there more”?

The feeling, or desire, for actual breasts is becoming incredibly strong. I love the shape and form the give me but I want to SEE them, not just flesh-colored foam peeking out from my bra or camisole. I want to FEEL them, and TOUCH them. I want to be able to sense them under whatever I’m wearing. I want them to have sensation, pleasurable, or otherwise. I want to wake up in the morning, and see them in the mirror and know that they are mine. Does that make sense my bitches?

But it goes even further. I’ve been feeling “weird” or different all weekend. A kind of waiting anticipation, a bit of anxiety (in a kind of good way), that my journey is really just beginning. And it’s translated itself into this almost a sexual tension culminating into today.

There’s been an intense, yet pleasurable, pressure (or tingling) between my legs since last night. I would say I’m horny but my (still) male genitalia doesn’t become erect in that sense. And the sensation is deeper, more visceral than what I’ve experienced in the past. And it’s spreading through me. I’m full of nervous energy, my head is spinning, and my skin prickling with excitement (or anticipation) but of what, I don’t know. It does feel good, but it’s becoming very confusing. What are these feelings and thoughts?

Have any of my bitches (particularly those that identify as trans) experienced anything like this?

Sigh my bitches. What an up and down week. First off, I’ve pretty much integrated Denise now as I just finished my second full week of work. That, in and of itself was not very exciting, just another very positive experience. Which means that will the week was mostly upbeat, as the week drew to a close it slowly progressed in a downward spiral of emotions, culminating in today’s events.

The digression actually started as the weather deteriorated. It’s been beautiful, warm and sunny since the first day of Spring but, since I live in the Rocky Mountain area of the US, that doesn’t carry much weight. And the week turned cold and damp. Which left me with the “what do I wear to work?”.  All but one outfit was purchased as Winter was drawing to a close so it’s mostly Spring/Summer wear: sleeveless, or short sleeve blouses, jeans, and skirts. I have 2 sweaters that fit and look decent on me but no other outer wear. And, my shoes are pumps and heels of some sort so nothing really for snowy/rainy weather.

I could have gone out to the shops and bought something more appropriate but unfortunately, I’m about to face a several thousand dollar tax bill. That left me in not a very good emotional state for new clothes: I want/need a few more outfits but really don’t need to be spending more money with this huge bill looming.

And that led to another spiral: I didn’t want to go to work and be freezing since I’ve not much warm to wear, and no coat. I probably could have gone to Target or another big box and purchased a hoodie just to have something warm between the car and the office, but since I’ve been in a “don’t spend, save up for taxes mode”, that really wasn’t appealing. In the end, I found an old Northface jacket that worked well enough with jeans and a 3/4 length sleeve blouse to get me through the last few days at work. I combined that with a low pair of heels and jeans to it didn’t look totally out-of-place.

Aside from that, I’ve been fighting my breast forms all week. For the most part, I like them and they give some depth and dimension to my outfits. However, they’re probably a bit too large. They kept sliding up through the tops of my bras and camisoles, and the edges would peek out of the tops of my blouses. And that made me feel like a fraud.

Aside from that, they don’t transfer sensation. So I can’t really tell when I’m touching them or my girlfriend did. And that makes me wish they were real. I want to be able to sense and feel them. I want them to be able to react to wind, cold, heat, and touch. So while I do appreciate the shape and look they give me, it’s just not enough. I don’t feel “complete”.

And that brings me to the final, big downer of the weekend. My girlfriend and I went out Saturday and I stayed over at her place. It was the first time I stayed over since I’ve transitioned to Denise. The evening went well up until bedtime. I got undressed and was in a pair of panties and a camisole with the forms underneath. As I got in bed she asked “are you going to sleep in that, with your forms in”? My response was yes, as that’s what I’ve been doing for over a week, and I had told her that’s what I do at my flat.

Evidently, that was the tipping point for her. Don’t get me wrong my bitches, she has been very supportive of my transition and has worked with me. But for her, and she’s told me this many times, she’s just not attracted to women. And I can understand her sentiment. While I love her, I thought about how I would feel if the roles were reversed and she were transitioning from female to male. The underlying love is still there but would the attraction still be there as I am not attracted to men. And that’s where she is. Denise is not the person (man) she fell in love with. And she’s not attracted to Denise. So crawling into bed as I did was just too much for her. So we ended our intimate relationship.

Needless to say I’m disappointed. But, I felt it coming on since I started my transition 2 weeks ago. I wish she could have been more open-minded, but I do understand her. At least we have a strong friendship so that part will remain. But outside of that, nothing else.

So I sit here in front of the keyboard, my bitches, dejected and wondering what my next steps are. I can’t say for sure but I know I have to take it one day at a time and try not to get impatient. I need to figure out, or sort through, all this negativity and emotion in order to see what the future holds for me.

For now my bitches, ciao.
denise