Well my bitches, I did it! I embraced it… I am trans! And I am glad, happy, excited, and anxious as hell about it.
But now I’m like “What’s next? What do I do now”. But I don’t know what those next steps are.
Just because I’ve admitted and accepted it, it’s not like I can just show up at work the next day as Denise (as much as I want to anyway). I know one step is waiting though. My therapist is working on a referral for someone more skilled and specialized in gender issues. Unfortunately, she has to get that, then put them in touch with me, and for me to make an appointment down the road. I have no idea how long that will be or take. Sigh…
I’m sorry my bitches, my brain is really scattered tonight. I feel like I have a thousand different things to say but I can’t seem to find a coherent stream or thought.
One thing I keep coming back to is that one panel in the anime sequence my friend sent me. It haunts me like the visions I see when I fall asleep. To me, it’s such a dichotomy and so paradoxical of how I feel. In one aspect, yes, it’s me when I look in the mirror. Yet it’s not me. That is what I want to see when I look in the mirror. So in this panel, it’s almost reversed in the way that the mirror image is my brain and the person staring at the mirror is actually the physical reflection. Does that make sense my bitches?
And, that is where I think the gender identity and confusion in me is arising. The brain and physical are at odds. I want the reflection to match what’s in my brain. I want the physical and reflection to be the same.
To that end, I needed to work from home today in order to get employee reviews done without any work interruptions or crises, and I embraced my acceptance from last night and dressed as Denise. Aside from getting to spend the day as myself, I was able to successfully capture that vision I see when I fall asleep at night. That, my bitches, is what runs through behind my closed eyes as I drift off to slumber each night. That is the banged forehead with smoky eyes that haunts my dreams.
I want to show you the entire picture that is cropped from but I am still afraid. I am not fully out to family and friends. And, although it’s a slim chance… I’m just not that ready.
That said, in my opinion, it’s one of the best jobs I’ve done overall with my presentation: make-up AND clothes. One day soon bitches.
There were some other things I did today but I’m getting sleepy and I need to wrap it up. So good night and until next time…