Archives For January 2017

My Bitches, My Tribe

January 31, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening my bitches! (More on that later). But for now, let me say that Denise is loving life!

Tonight, a co-worker and I met for dinner, drinks and a movie. And by “met” I mean I went to work as D, came home and changed into a pencil skirt, blouse, and my new Mary Jane’s, put on my wig and some evening wear make-up then went to a restaurant for light dinner and drinks before going to see M. Knight Shyamalan’s Split.

I arrived a few minutes before her and walked straight to the bar, strutting my sassy ass, head up. (FYI, this was the first time being dressed at this particular establishment which is a well-known and popular chain restaurant). The bar was full when I walked in so I grabbed a spot a the community table. And I didn’t have to wait long. My friend/co-worker arrived within 5 minutes and I saw her walk through the door.

I had told her beforehand that she would be meeting Denise there and even asked her today “Pink pumps or black Mary Jane’s?” She looked at the photos on my phone and said “Mary Jane’s”.

It was a bit amusing watching her look for me. I had texted her that I was at the community table so I watched as she scanned the bar area looking for me. I finally raised my hand and waved and even then it took a moment for it to register that it was me.

She walked over with a huge smile saying how she didn’t recognize me at all and how amazing I looked. I think one of her most poignant comments was that “if I didn’t already know you as D, and had just met you, I would have a hard time telling that you were not a woman”. I think that means a few things. First, that this IS the real me and that comes through. And second, that I must be doing something right with make-up, clothes, and dress 😉

We talked for about an hour and had some light dinner. She was amazed at how at ease and natural I looked and acted. And, it really did feel amazing to be out again, being myself.

I won’t bore everyone with all the details the rest of the evening. We just had good conversation, girl talk, shop talk, and more, and then went to the movies. In the end, I can only reiterate that I know I am where I belong and that I am now thinking of hastening my timeline to transitioning full-time to Denise. My limiting factor is just obtaining enough wardrobe to sustain me for a week of work plus the weekends.

Now, onto other matters my bitches! And it pertains to that phrase I use for my readers and followers. As was pointed out in a comment from the other day, I do not (as I hope everyone understands) use it derogatorily. Rather, I use it as a sense of tribe, or oneness. I hope you, my not-so-gentle readers, understand that.

I use it because I feel, as readers and followers, that you understand me and where I am coming from not matter what continent, walk of life, or circumstance brought you to me journey (and me to yours).

And on that note, my bitches, I bid everyone good night, bon nuit, buenos noches, dobre vechir, and shub shaam.

denise

 

 

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Hello Denise!

January 30, 2017 — 1 Comment

Hello my bitches! Good to see everyone again!

What a happy ending to the weekend! To start (or finish), I received the lovely “Hello Denise!” greeting from my laptop when I logged in via camera 🙂 My computer knows me!

Second, this girl got some new shoes this weekend! I found an amazing shoe store that caters to dancers, burlesque performers, and the trans/cross-dressing community. I bought a pair of pink pumps and a pair of black Mary Jane’s.  Here there are on my desk, and on my feet.

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I also found a fabulous pair of boots! I want, want, want, want want!!!! They fit and feel simply amazing. whitelaceupbootI feel like that old kitchen faucet commercial (the couple brings in a pull out faucet to the architect and says “Build us a house around this”). That is, I want them so badly I starting to build a wardrobe around them! I’m thinking denim skirt, cute white top for one outfit. Or, a red sweater dress I saw on Long Tall Sally, with black tights. What are your thoughts my bitches What would YOU wear with these boots?

Until next time,

Ciao,
denise

Poker Night

January 28, 2017 — 3 Comments

Good morning bitches! Friday was just awesome! I had my phone consult with the potential therapist who specializes in LGBT and gender identity issues and already have my first physical appointment with her in a few weeks. Hooray!

And then there was poker night! I got off a bit late from work, rushed home, redid my make-up (more like touched it up for evening wear), and changed. I was back out the door in under 45 minutes and raring ready to go! What do you think bitches, did I do justice with my poker/resting bitch face? 😉 restingbitchfaceI did well at poker, had a blast and enjoyed every minute as Denise. And, in my opinion, it’s evenings, days, etc, when I’m dressed and can be me and feel happy and free that I know this is the real me.

Ta ta for now bitches!
denise

Almost Friday…

January 27, 2017 — Leave a comment

Hello there my bitches! Friday is almost here! (For some of not so gentle readers it may already BE here).

And Friday is important for not because it’s the last day before the weekend. First off, I have a phone consult with a therapist who specializes in LGBT identities and issues. I am hoping she can provide me at least some initial guidance and understanding of where I am and where my next steps are. I know I am ready to experience the world as Denise.

Secondly, I have  meeting in the afternoon with the head of my company’s HR department. Yikes! Actually bitches, it’s not that bad 🙂 My company is very progressive as I’ve mentioned in previous posts. The meeting is more to inform them of where I am, what my plans are (additional counseling), where I want to be soon, and what steps I need to take within the company, and what steps, if any, they need to take.

It’s a lot to take in, but, it’s a step forward. Hopefully by the end of tomorrow I’ll have  better understanding of at least the near future and plans to make a girl’s dreams reality.

And lastly, there’s another poker night tomorrow and I’ve already planned to go as Denise. That will be two nights out of three I’ve been out as myself. It’s been such a relief and I’m eagerly looking forward to it.

To that end, I did some shopping tonight in order to help get me to some of those goals. I bought a another pair of tights (black) and two pair of high-wasted control top sheer pantyhose (one black, one nude).

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Wirefree shaping cami

I also bought a black, wire-free shaping camisole (I have it on now my bitches!)

So look out bitches, Denise is coming!

ciao!d

Starting to Come Out

January 26, 2017 — Leave a comment

I’m feeling better my bitches! I’ve come out to a few close co-workers this week and the support has been overwhelmingly positive! I’ve talked to them one-on-one and showed them the picture of me on the phone. It was the one I posted as my featured image the other day, the one from poker night.Most of my co-workers couldn’t even tell it was me. The most significant comments were how I looked happy and natural.

Well, tonight, my girlfriend and I went to one of our local MeetUp groups and I went as Denise. I had planned it pretty much from the moment I woke up this morning and I was eagerly looking forward to it. So I wore my tights and panties to work under my clothes and did my make-up as usual.

I met my girlfriend at my flat after work and changed. Make-up was easy since I had applied it this morning so it was mostly just touch up and going from day-look eye shadow to evening look, and applying lipstick. As my cats would say…. Meow!!!

As the MeetUp we belong to is made up of alternative relationship lifestyle members (ethically non-monogamous, LGBTQ, pan, queer, etc) I gave it no thought to being out among them. It didn’t dawn on me until I pulled into  the parking lot that first off, this was a new meeting venue, and secondly, it was a popular restaurant/bar venue. The parking lot was packed!

But, as I am all out of fucks to give, and I honestly don’t care what people think, I popped right out of the car, and strutted my sexy ass in there! I never blinked, fretted, sweated, or worried a bit.I sat there and chatted with my friends and had a great time, not being self conscious of myself. In fact, I had to get up and go to the car to retrieve my glasses and cellphone. Just as I did when entering, I stood up, and sauntered my sexy ass out to the car and right back in: head high, with swagger and sass!

I was extremely happy tonight bitches. I am so ready to be Denise!

Ciao my lovelies!

Catch 22

January 24, 2017 — Leave a comment

Good evening (or morning) my bitches wherever you are! First off, this girl has found some sass! It started at work today as I started coming out to select co-workers about upcoming changes in my life. All were very supportive 🙂 One, a close friend that I hang out with frequently after work (happy hours, movies, etc), and who tends to text me at midnight with stuff like “I hate men!” was totally amazing as we talked. I showed her some recent pictures and she gasped! “I can’t believe that’s you! It doesn’t look anything like you!” And, “Is that photo shopped or some filter because your make-up looks so smooth. You look 20 years younger”.

I smiled and said no, it’s just a just a normal selfie with no filter, in normal lights. Then it hit me: “Don’t hate me because my make-up skills are flawless!”

She almost laughed her ass off and said “well, you got the sassy bitch part down already” 🙂

Now on to more serious stuff…

Anyone of you bitches ever ready Joseph Heller’s “Catch 22”? If not, the premise goes like this: You can’t get out of the military unless you’re insane. It’s not insane to want to stop flying suicide missions over Germany so that’s not an excuse. So Sergeant Yossarian keeps volunteering to fly missions because… only insane people would want to fly more missions.

Well, that seems to be where I am in life. I am ready to change, to become Denise full-time. But, I need a wardrobe. I have 2 skirts, 3 blouses, and 3 dresses. Of those items, the skirts barely fit. Two of the blouses fit but one is really a summer top (it’s going to snow tomorrow), one now has a rip in the seam down the side, one the other barely fits. Of the 3 dresses, of the 2 that fit best, only one looks good with my “one-dimensional” shape. The other is just way too tight to wear anywhere. And therein lies my dilemma. I need more clothes for work etc, but first I need clothes to go out and shop in. 2601951_black_chevronI have some ideas for online purchases(see right), but I’m concerned that without trying them on they won’t fit. What’s a girl to do?

One day at a time my bitches, one day at a time…denise

Timeline and Changes

January 23, 2017 — Leave a comment

Wow my bitches! What a year (or two actually) it’s been!

As I’ve been blogging and uploading new images for my site the last few days, I’ve noticed a big change in my looks and how much better I am with make-up. Particularly around the eyes: eye liner, shadow, mascara. So tonight, I’m going to present a timeline.

2015

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July 2015

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Aug 2015

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June 2015

2016

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June 2016

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Oct 2016

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Nov 2016

2017

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Jan 11 2017

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Jan 19 2017

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Jan 22 2017

What do you think my bitches? I see remarkable change and I love it!

Ciao,
denise

p.s. I had to update this shortly after it went live. This girl needs to preview her post in a browser. I mean… It looked good in the editor but yikes! Those images were EVERYWHERE!

Hi there bitches, having a wonderful weekend? I hope so!

As for me, most of the day has been sitting here staring at my screen for hours trying to decide what to write. Then, taking  break doing some laundry, then staring a t the screen. Every time I sat down I couldn’t think of what to write about. It feels like there are a million things swirling around in my head and they all seem of some importance, but then… where to start. For one, it’s been an a bit of an emotional weekend so far. However, I’m at a point where I can write about that portion yet.

But, after an evening with friends (yes, this party gurl just got home 😉 ) I have some ideas and they are all positive.

For starters, and I mentioned some good things in my previous post “Next Steps” and that I would follow up on them later. Well, it’s later now bitches!

I guess the first thing, and in some ways it’s really cool and definitely an affirmation about myself, is my computer and how I logon. I have a fairly new laptop, I bought it last Fall, and it implements a bio-metric logon using face  recognition. I set it up and configured it as my masculine persona, D. Well my bitches, guess what happened when I sat in front of the computer as Denise? It did’t recognize me! I had to switch to PIN and password in order to login. Not that big of a deal but still frustrating. So on my work from home day Thursday, where I put on full make-up, clothes, and wig, I signed in as D, and added a second account. Then, I set the sign-on process to use Windows “Hello” and camera, which took a separate picture for Denise. Now, I open the laptop, the camera turns on and I get “Hello Denise!” I can’t tell you how good that feels 🙂 Warm fuzzy’s all over!

The other really positive for the weekend (so far. There IS all of Sunday to go) was the evening I had with friends. Tonight was our regular league night for the poker club I am in. And the wife of the person who runs the league is the one who sent me the Boy X Boy cartoon last Sunday. So I decided to go en-femme, and as Denise. And I struggled with it all afternoon. I wanted to go, but my clothes still are a bit snug, and don’t fit well. And, the ones that do fit fairly well, don’t look right as they are designed for how shall I say it… People with more bosom than I possess. That makes them appear flat and one dimensional and not as flattering in my opinion.

So as usual, I started on my make-up with the “I’ll just throw on some concealer and foundation, maybe a little powder, and call it good” approach. However, as I’ve noticed quite a bit recently, it never stops there. Before I know it I’m moving on to my liner, shadow, brows and mascara. And, if I’m at home, lip liner and lipstick.

I had all my make-up applied in 20 minutes and decided to try on the wig to see how the complete look turned out. Well my bitches, that was all it took. I was looking good! In fact, check out the featured image for today’s blog bitches!

As I’ve bee wearing my tights and panties underneath my jeans for the last few weeks anyway, it didn’t take much for me to switch, pull on a short pencil skirt and baby blue v-neck blouse, and my kitten heel black sandals. Ta da bitches! Denise is going out!

My league seems very accepting of me (of course, 4 of the members work with me and have seen me with make-up on before). Everyone was polite, and talked to me as if nothing was any different. I did request on member not use my male name, and that either D (the gender neutral moniker) or Denise. He was totally cool and said sure D, no problem, I didn’t know.

After I got knocked out, I spent a good hour having “girl talk” with the wife and hostess of the league, sharing how I felt, how much I appreciated her support, and the like. It’s nights and events like this that are uplifting and affirmative, and that support that I am who I am. I am Denise, and I am trans! I love me 🙂

Good night bitches!
denise

Next Steps

January 20, 2017 — Leave a comment

Well my bitches, I did it! I embraced it… I am trans! And I am glad, happy, excited, and anxious as hell about it.

But now I’m like “What’s next? What do I do now”. But I don’t know what those next steps are.

Just because I’ve admitted and accepted it, it’s not like I can just show up at work the next day as Denise (as much as I want to anyway). I know one step  is waiting though. My therapist is working on a referral for someone more skilled and specialized in gender issues. Unfortunately, she has to get that, then put them in touch with me, and for me to make an appointment down the road. I have no idea how long that will be or take. Sigh…

I’m sorry my bitches, my brain is really scattered tonight. I feel like I have a thousand different things to say but I can’t seem to find a coherent stream or thought.

One thing I keep coming back to is that one panel in the anime sequence my friendmirrorimage sent me. It haunts me like the visions I see when I fall asleep. To me, it’s such a dichotomy and so paradoxical of how I feel. In one aspect, yes, it’s me when I look in the mirror. Yet it’s not me. That is what I want to see when I look in the mirror. So in this panel, it’s almost reversed in the way that the mirror image is my brain and the person staring at the mirror is actually the physical reflection. Does that make sense my bitches?

And, that is where I think the gender identity and confusion in me is arising. The brain and physical are at odds. I want the reflection to match what’s in my brain. I want the physical and reflection to be the same.

To that end, I needed to work from home today in order to get employee reviews done without any work interruptions or crises, and I embraced my acceptance from last night 20170119_154249and dressed as Denise. Aside from getting to spend the day as myself, I was able to successfully capture that vision I see when I fall asleep at night. That, my bitches, is what runs through behind my closed eyes as I drift off to slumber each night. That is the banged forehead with smoky eyes that haunts my dreams.

I want to show you the entire picture that is cropped from but I am still afraid. I am not fully out to family and friends. And, although it’s a slim chance… I’m just not that ready.

That said, in my opinion, it’s one of the best jobs I’ve done overall with my presentation: make-up AND clothes. One day soon bitches.

There were some other things I did today but I’m getting sleepy and I need to wrap it up. So good night and until next time…

Ciao!
denise

I am Trans

January 19, 2017 — Leave a comment

There, I said it bitches. The signs have all been there and I recognize them. My friends knew it. My co-workers knew it. The universe knew it. Now I know it.

I think I’ve been thinking it in my mind for awhile now. But somehow saying it out loud makes it real. I’m accepting it. And I can say it out loud: “I am trans”.

I was lucky enough to have an end-of-day session with my therapist today and go over all the signs, signals, and messages I’ve been receiving. She’s very good in the “give you the full hour you paid for” department and not the “50 minutes, times up” like many others do. And tonight, we went well over 90 minutes. And now I can say it out loud “I am trans”.

And I am at peace with it. All the tension and anxiety leading up to tonight’s session is gone.I am ready to begin the next steps on my journey as Denise. I don’t know what those steps are yet, and I know there is still a lot of things I need to resolve, but with her help, and the help of a counselor that specializes in gender identity, I know I will find peace and I am ready to take those steps.

Wish me luck my bitches.

Hugs, denise