Well my lovelies, that was fun! I ran home after work, switched out of my “guy clothes” and started getting ready for the movie. It helped that I had worn panties and tights under my jeans all day so all I had to do was pull on my body shaper then apply my make-up and wig, and throw on my heels. I would say I was out of the house in just over 30 minutes and on the road.
The first thing that hit me was that I was hungry with a capital H and that we weren’t going to have time for dinner before the movie. So as I drove through a fast food place for a small sandwich I got a small thrill of ordering as Denise. I placed my order then proceeded to the window and was greeted with a “That will be $5.21 ma’am. Do you need any ketchup”? I felt good.
I made it to my wife’s place about 30 minutes later and she met me in the parking garage. We went up to her apartment so I could giver her the mail and our tax documents which involved walking across the garage to the residence elevator, up two floors, then down two long corridors. Not once was I self-conscious about my appearance. In fact, I felt very confident, and, with my little black clutch in hand, striding with purpose, almost strutting, down the hall, smiling and nodding at passing tenants.
We finished our mail and tax business and just before heading back out, I touched up my lipstick and hair, then back down the hall to the car.
The theater was not very crowded. In fact, there were 3 other couples at the show. But, every one of the staff greeted us “you ladies” or some variant.
Now on to the show. While IMDB said it was fictitious and loosely based on Lili’s life, it did seem pretty accurate and close to what I had read up on her. I won’t go into the details to pick apart the movie (although Eddie Redmayne was again brilliant) but rather, I’d like to point out how in some ways I relate to it and her.
Like Lili, many of my memories seem to have been repressed. The movie shows Einar, pre-transition, often fondling or caressing women’s clothing in various stores or dressing rooms. I have felt that way many times while shopping with my wife or girlfriend or even on other women. While I appreciate and admire how they look in their dresses, skirts, blouses, or shoes I often think “Ooh, I’d like that”, or “I think that would look nice on me”. It’s as much as my appreciation of how it compliments them as it is my desire for it as well. I think the movie captured that longing by Einar as well. But, similar to his real life, those desired never seemed to be acted upon until his wife needed help.
They are both painters with Einar the premier landscape artist and his wife Gerta, is primarily focused on portraits. When the model of one of her paintings cancels at the last-minute she urges Einar to help out by posing in the costume. In the movie, he is at first shy and hesitant, but gets into the role quickly. According to the biography, he is a bit more adamant and reluctant to oblige. Regardless, for him that is the trigger to rekindle long repressed urges and desires (at least that’s how the movie portrays it).
It is similar with me. A woman I dated a few years ago had almost a fetish-like desire to have sex with cross dressing men. When she discussed it with me I found the idea intriguing. It felt almost like a lesbian experience in some ways, both of us in sexy dresses, silky stockings and negligees. But as I complied, I felt long suppressed memories surfacing. Memories such as sneaking into my mother’s closest as a very little boy to try on stockings, girdles, bras, and even make-up once. I remember the fear of having applied lipstick and rouge then trying to wipe it off before being caught. And I remember sitting at the dinner table thinking “They know. They can see that I put on make-up” and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Then, not too long after while going through a scrapbook, I found a picture of myself as a with at Halloween. I’m in a blouse, skirt, make-up and pointed hat. From what I can tell of the picture, I look between 4 and 5 years old but I don’t remember it. I did ask my mother about it and she said it was what I wanted, and that I had begged to be a witch that year.
Back to Lili now. As she begins having more outings as Lili, and becomes more confident in who she is, the more she finds her true identity. She identifies more and more with Lili, and less and less with Einar. She even begins talking as if Einar is someone in the past, “Einar is gone”. While I don’t feel that detached, I do sometimes feels as if I have two different people in me. And the more I dress as Denise, the more comfortable and confident that she is just as much a part of my and the more I want her in my life. Does that all make sense my lovelies?
Alas, I’ve had a long day, and it is very late. I must wrap up and get some rest.
Until next time dear readers,