Sigh my bitches. What an up and down week. First off, I’ve pretty much integrated Denise now as I just finished my second full week of work. That, in and of itself was not very exciting, just another very positive experience. Which means that will the week was mostly upbeat, as the week drew to a close it slowly progressed in a downward spiral of emotions, culminating in today’s events.
The digression actually started as the weather deteriorated. It’s been beautiful, warm and sunny since the first day of Spring but, since I live in the Rocky Mountain area of the US, that doesn’t carry much weight. And the week turned cold and damp. Which left me with the “what do I wear to work?”. All but one outfit was purchased as Winter was drawing to a close so it’s mostly Spring/Summer wear: sleeveless, or short sleeve blouses, jeans, and skirts. I have 2 sweaters that fit and look decent on me but no other outer wear. And, my shoes are pumps and heels of some sort so nothing really for snowy/rainy weather.
I could have gone out to the shops and bought something more appropriate but unfortunately, I’m about to face a several thousand dollar tax bill. That left me in not a very good emotional state for new clothes: I want/need a few more outfits but really don’t need to be spending more money with this huge bill looming.
And that led to another spiral: I didn’t want to go to work and be freezing since I’ve not much warm to wear, and no coat. I probably could have gone to Target or another big box and purchased a hoodie just to have something warm between the car and the office, but since I’ve been in a “don’t spend, save up for taxes mode”, that really wasn’t appealing. In the end, I found an old Northface jacket that worked well enough with jeans and a 3/4 length sleeve blouse to get me through the last few days at work. I combined that with a low pair of heels and jeans to it didn’t look totally out-of-place.
Aside from that, I’ve been fighting my breast forms all week. For the most part, I like them and they give some depth and dimension to my outfits. However, they’re probably a bit too large. They kept sliding up through the tops of my bras and camisoles, and the edges would peek out of the tops of my blouses. And that made me feel like a fraud.
Aside from that, they don’t transfer sensation. So I can’t really tell when I’m touching them or my girlfriend did. And that makes me wish they were real. I want to be able to sense and feel them. I want them to be able to react to wind, cold, heat, and touch. So while I do appreciate the shape and look they give me, it’s just not enough. I don’t feel “complete”.
And that brings me to the final, big downer of the weekend. My girlfriend and I went out Saturday and I stayed over at her place. It was the first time I stayed over since I’ve transitioned to Denise. The evening went well up until bedtime. I got undressed and was in a pair of panties and a camisole with the forms underneath. As I got in bed she asked “are you going to sleep in that, with your forms in”? My response was yes, as that’s what I’ve been doing for over a week, and I had told her that’s what I do at my flat.
Evidently, that was the tipping point for her. Don’t get me wrong my bitches, she has been very supportive of my transition and has worked with me. But for her, and she’s told me this many times, she’s just not attracted to women. And I can understand her sentiment. While I love her, I thought about how I would feel if the roles were reversed and she were transitioning from female to male. The underlying love is still there but would the attraction still be there as I am not attracted to men. And that’s where she is. Denise is not the person (man) she fell in love with. And she’s not attracted to Denise. So crawling into bed as I did was just too much for her. So we ended our intimate relationship.
Needless to say I’m disappointed. But, I felt it coming on since I started my transition 2 weeks ago. I wish she could have been more open-minded, but I do understand her. At least we have a strong friendship so that part will remain. But outside of that, nothing else.
So I sit here in front of the keyboard, my bitches, dejected and wondering what my next steps are. I can’t say for sure but I know I have to take it one day at a time and try not to get impatient. I need to figure out, or sort through, all this negativity and emotion in order to see what the future holds for me.
For now my bitches, ciao.